Moving forward anyway

Don't worry, fellow reader, you missed no news during my 3 week blogging break.

Our waiting skills continue to be perfected.

BUT we are moving forward despite the wait.

Little Miss Tori has been waiting for over a year for the bunk beds that were imminent with the arrival of her little sister. She has been SO patient. And she has wanted them SO bad. (not annoyingly pestering us bad, but often spoke of how she look forward to them). It was time. I needed something exciting just as much as she did, as this wait has drug on. So it was finally decided. This is controllable. It need not go on any longer.

The "plan" was to go shopping for this treasured item last Saturday. The money had already been set aside, so like any well informed consumer, I started to do some preemptive online researching. Looking for the best deal. Not just to direct our store choice, but so we could go Dave Ramsey on them ;)

During my research I came across something shocking.

Very.Shocking.


Did you catch the emotion?

It was one of shock......prepare yourself.

We.already.had.them.

WHAT?

Seriously. I know you must be wondering.....How on earth could we not know this? Let alone be shocked by it?

Well, rewind to almost 4 years ago. We were needing to purchase bedroom furniture for Tori, as Joel had aged up enough to lay claim on the bottom bunk in the boy room. After sharing with Jake for 2 years, she would finally have a girl room all her own. Much searching took place. I ended up finding exactly what I wanted on Craigslist. Name brand, at a discount type place that had lots of other random things. We got an amazing deal. However, we could only purchase the WHOLE set together. It included: a long dresser w/ mirror, tall dresser, nightstand and twin-over-full bunkbeds.

It was a lot of furniture. So much so, that the bottom bunk and another large piece of that set went directly to the basement. It has been stored ever since, with the mental plans to sell the unneeded pieces.

Fast forward to the present.....even knowing there was full bottom bunk downstairs didn't help us out. Tori's room is small that a twin-over-full bunkbed would never fit. This fact we've known for past year. We would need to sell that bunk bed set in order to get the twin-over-twin size that was needed.

Whew. All these details. Hang with me.......

So back to my online shopping - I ran across Tori's exact twin bed, which got me thinking - I wonder if we could buy another twin bed and then somehow bunk it on the other, all we would then need is one bed and a ladder - a much cheaper option. Then it hit me, we already have a ladder in the basement! (from the set we couldn't use). I am rejoicing because maybe all we need to purchase would be a twin bed. Awesome, right?

Thinking even more, I realized that I had never actually seen what the set we had looked like put together, so I decided to google it. I found it easily. Then came that emotion I mentioned before. I found myself absolutely shocked.

That google picture? It showed a twin-over-twin bunk bed - with the bottom bed having an extension piece to make the bottom a full sized.

A twin-over-twin.

Exactly what we needed.

We already owned it.

It had been in our basement all along.

Not only that - but was purchased YEARS before.
YEARS before we started thinking about adoption.

Hmmmmm.....Love it.
I can't help but picture God smiling at times of discovery like that,
God already knew.
How cool is that?

Here are some pics to commemorate the joyous occasion:

Joel-man doing the work of a man

             

Getting ready for another Calder!

 Proof of the final product......

We also decided to go ahead and finish the room, which entailed us lugging up the changing table that I had found used (but awesome) on the swap shop in the Spring. This thing is CRAZY heavy and appears to be solid wood. It has basket slots and a cabinet. It is nice and tall, which this height blessed mama will need when changing those new baby sweet cheeks. However, we decided to take off the rails that will hold the changing pad on the top for now, so it doesn't look like it is just waiting for a little one. I am trying some mental trickery. Hopefully it will work :)

I LOVE it!

Apparently the kids love it too - but for totally different reasons.........

They decided to make it into a Lambie apartment consisting of all sorts of cardboard furniture and decor

 

 

Lambie's living room

Lambie's office

 

 

 

 

Lambie's bathroom - and yes, she is on the potty :)

 So there you have it folks. The girl room is now ready and all we need is the little one to go in it.


Can I just say how thankful I am that God has continued to give me lots of grace in the waiting department, especially lately? So extremely grateful!!! I still have myself the occasional breakthrough moments of rough, and believe me, I am MORE than ready to see this gal's face, but I definitely am enjoying a season of peace.

It may be that finally, as more and more time goes by (5 months today, I still can't stop counting because honestly I think I'm setting a record) after losing our first referral, I've stopped sitting on the edge of my seat. Waiting expectantly each day for it to come. Living like that can deliver you lots of disappointment. So as of late, I am sitting back. Because honestly? My fanny is tired ;)

And because I can't leave you with out a song.......

Should've been me

by Citizen Way

Romans 5:6-8 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

17 weeks and counting.....

.....in case you have lost track. I keep wondering at what week our counting will cease. 

What we do know is that it will continue for a while longer. Jason (being the amazing husband he is) called our agency yesterday to ask the few questions I had (but was not brave enough to ask) about this continual waiting situation we find ourselves in. The summary of that call was, because of our first loss, they are being extremely selective about who they refer to us (keep in mind we can only adopt from one region, so they are being selective among those children) The reasoning? Trying to limit some risk, as they don't want us to have any more potentially devastating hiccups along the way. So wait longer we will. Not the answer we were hoping for. In fact kinda frustrating at first, but understandable. But I get it. The fact that there is a reason, that helps. I have peace with that. 

I believe that God is doing a work! A work that no doubt we will look back in absolute amazement at how everything unfolded once we are on the other side. 

 

Tuesday's tune is a "must listen". If you are getting this via RSS feed.....STOP your reading and go to the actual blog page to hear this. This worship song I heard for the first time last week.....and now?

My heart can not stop singing! Seriously, listen. Right now. GO!!!

This is Amazing Grace

Bethel Live - feat. Jeremy Riddle

Lyrics:

Who breaks the power of sin and darkness

 Whose love is mighty and so much stronger

The King of Glory, the King above all Kings

Who shakes the whole earth with holy thunder

Who leaves us breathless with awe and wonder

The King of Glory, the King above all Kings.

This is amazing grace

This is unfailing love

That He would take my place

That He would bear my cross

You would lay down your life

That I might be set free

Jesus, I sing for

All that you've done for me

Who brings our chaos back into order

Who makes the orphan a son and daughter

The King of Glory, the King above all Kings

Who rules the nations with truth and justice

Shines like the sun in all its brilliance

The King of Glory, the King above all Kings

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain

Worthy is the Lamb who conquered the grave

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain

Worthy is the Lamb who conquered the grave

Refining

I have come to the conclusion that apparently I have never truly had to wait for anything in my life.

Never.

I thought I had. You know, waited, because of little things. Things that take minutes long at their maximum.....the internet to refresh, a traffic light, a line in the grocery store and one particularly slowly moving child of mine who shall remain nameless :)

I can be quite patient in those moments - CAN being the operative word, especially with that particularly slow moving child AND internet slowness. BUT, despite those occasional exceptions (you can stop laughing now Jason) I normally don't have a huge problem with patience. It's not just an external act of looking patient. It is internal. I really am willing to let others ahead of me. I'm okay with the wait. I understand that it is momentary.

Big of me, I know.

So one would assume that patience in short term waiting would translate to long term waiting.

Absolutely.Not. 
 
I have been so frustrated with the wait, these past few weeks especially. So frustrated, that it really has starting to make me think that my life thus far must have just been one long strolling cake walk. Seriously people. I mean come on. This is a GOOD wait, I'm waiting for something GOOD to happen. So then why does it have me reeling with frustration and experiencing strange emotional effects (a.k.a. tears)?

Reminiscing process commenced. To my relief, it appears as though I have had my own share of circumstances that were "struggles". But it turns out there was a theme........

Here are some highlights - see if you can see that theme.

......as a college student working crazy amounts during my last two years, waiting tables 4 nights a week, so that I could graduate without debt. All the while also paying rent on an apartment, a car loan (won't do that again!), food, gas, clothes, insurance, etc. It was hard, but worth it. Enduring hard. Time limit hard. I knew that it would end and could see the finish line in sight.

.....having my 2nd child when the 1st was only 17 months old (intentionally). My goal setting perfectionist mama-self was determined to make it past the one year mark nursing these babes, because that is what is best according to pediatricians, right? Well, then one year it is. That is what I was going to do. However, that led to BOTH of these children refusing to take a bottle. Ever. Yes, my friends, please do the math with me. In a 31 month period (between the birth of my first child and the weaning of my second) - I had 4 months off. FOUR months. During those other 27 months, I could not leave a child for more than 3 hours max before thinking about heading back to them. Definitely puts a crimp in personal freedom. That was hard, but endurance hard - not waiting hard, endurance hard. Time limit hard. I knew that it would end and could see the finish line in sight.

Do you see it? Definitive end. Endurance. Goals. It can be hard, but I can gut out just about anything that I put my mind to........as long as I know the end is in sight.
  
The list goes on and on for this task oriented goal setter......
- Half marathons? Check.
- Running myself as a teen so hard that I pass out and other yucky things happen? Check.
- Perfect attendance all 4 years of high school, even once going when I was really sick my junior 
  year so I could meet that goal (thanks dad for that extra push....)? Check.  
- Getting a room of twenty bunked 4 to 6 yr. olds to sleep? Check. 
  *to be fair, I do this last one for fun :) but it is a challenge none the less.

You see. 
I can do hard. 
I can set a goal. 
Power through. 
Gut it out. 
......when there is an end.

My hard things have never involved waiting, and waiting, and waiting with no action.

Please don't misunderstand me. Not all the adoption waiting has been tough. Homestudy and dossier prep took months, so there was waiting - but there was a whole lot of DOing in that wait - lots of paperwork. We turned in our dossier mid-January and then started the wait for referral, struggled a bit more with it - but not for long as we surprisingly go a referral mid-April. Lost that referral beginning of June and have been waiting for 4 months for a replacement referral. Four months. We were told when we first lost baby H's referral that it could be weeks......yet here we still are. Waiting. No new news. 

This adoption process falls into a whole different category all together then my other hard stuff. I can't power through. I can't gut it out. I can't affect the outcome. I most definitely can not see the end in sight, and my mind has a hard time wrapping around and dealing with it.

There is literally no where to look but UP. 

My hope is in God alone.

I am (painfully) realizing I can't rush Him. No matter how much I want to. 

This kind of dependence is refining me. Day by day. Week by week. Month by month. Bit by bit. 

Honestly? It.is.hard.and.it.hurts. 

I've run the gammit of emotions with this refining. Not all of them so great. However, God pretty big - turns out He can take it. He knows we are human. Hebrews 4:15 &16 "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

As of late, my heart is so tender. Tears come easily, which to totally understate it, is rare from me.

However, God has been showing me a gift He has given to hang onto during this rough patch.

Hindsight.

When Jason and I started this adoption process, along with praying for our daughter, we asked God for provision and support. Looking back over this last year and I can see, with utter amazement, how He has provided both.

Financially? Fully Funded, Praise the Lord!

Support? Besides family and friend support (which has been imperative) God also has given us a network of people that are going through adoptions as well. People that we didn't know even existed a year ago, whose depth of understand and parallel life stories are such a comfort. People who can speak right into the situation. Encourage. Pray. Uplift. Praise the Lord!

I can look back over this past year and tangibly see how God answered prayer, and although we are waiting crazy longer than we ever thought we would, He has given us something to hold onto. Something amazing. Something that speaks directly to my soul which lets me know that God will finish the work that HE started.

Why?

Because He is faithful.

Please pray for paperwork to start moving on the Ethiopian side of things.....nothing can go forward until that happens. Pray for the health of our daughter - God already knows who she is. Please continue to pray for strength and patience for us. We can't do this without what God provides.

The song for the week is one I never heard before this past weekend.
Oh.my.word.
Feels like it was written for me.

Oceans (Where feet may fail)

by Hillsong United

 

Isaiah 41:10

So, do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will stengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Tons of apples and a tune for your Tuesday......

So, dear reader, with absolutely nothing noteworthy taking place on the adoption front - I am going to focus my blog attentions on the cute little people that already reside in my home.

This past Saturday we loaded up the fam to go apple picking. It was the first time yours truly had been apple picking since on a field trip as a KINDERGARTENER. Yes, 5 year old Cheryl. Short boy haircut and all (thanks Pierre. I mean, Dad). This Saturday was also the first time that my children had seen apples in their actual growing state, not just in a bin at our local Walmart.

One could say we were a bit overdue for this experience.

Just a bit.

So overdue that apparently my eldest child, in all his years of book learning, had missed the important factoid of how apples grew. In the wild. You know, on trees. He actually said these words to me "I can't believe apples grow on trees, I thought they grew on vines."

Let that sink in.

Those words seriously came out of my own child's mouth.  

Parenting. Fail.

I worked my way through that failure knowing that Jake now holds the knowledge of apple growing truth. No longer will he live in the dark. He can take that knowledge back to school. Telling all the other 4th graders who may not yet know......"apples grow on trees. I've seen it with my own eyes."

Here are some pics from our apple picking extravaganza.......

 

 The fun has continued as we've begun the processing of our apples. The kids had a blast with the apple peeler/corer/slicer gadget.....that I tried so hard to get rid of a few years back because we NEVER used it (in our 10 years of marriage), but Jason wouldn't let me. He apparently had dreams for that little gadget and what it could produce. Dreams that were fulfilled tonight - and will continue to be fulfilled as he feasts on applesauce, apple chips, apple pies & crisps. So let the record now state, that was a good save Jason, a good save. You were right dear ;)

Tuesday's tune is one of my favorites, take a moment to listen - you won't regret it.

The One Thing

Paul Coleman

Why Ethiopia?

This is a valid question that we often find ourselves facing when people find out we are adopting.

So when thinking about writing this post, I was preparing to dig through all sorts of stats about the needs, because believe me, there is need. (1 in 6 children die before the age of 5, 5 million orphans in a country only twice the size of Texas, etc.)

However, for us, it is goes deeper than just statistics.

Why Ethiopia?

That is where our daughter is.

I know that sounds simplistic. Definitely is definitive. Let me explain......

Proverbs. 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." When you are following God's leading, it often takes you somewhere other than where you expected to go. For us - God has taken a process that we had planned to go a certain way and mushed it all around to something else entirely different. Something beautiful.

In Summer 2012, God impressed on us that it was time to get moving. It was time to put action to words. He was calling us to adopt. Great! Here we go. We had talked about adoption before and knew that fostering to adopt was the avenue we were going to approach.

No. Doubt. About. It.

We started doing our research......or actually to be truthful (because those people that know us well wouldn't fall for that) I started to research. Obviously we knew nothing and needed to know HOW to go about it. I was reading everything I could get my hands on about the topic of adoption and, more specifically, foster to adopt. The more I researched about adoption, the more I realized it was of utmost importance that our kids already in our home maintained our priority when making decisions for our family, their young ages and needs had to be considered. One thing felt clear. We needed to stay within our family's "birth order" - which meant the new kiddo would need to be under the age of 3 (Joel had just turned 4 at the time).  We also knew that we were not open to sibling sets at this point.  That considerably narrowed our parameters in the foster system. A child free for adoption. Under the age of 3. With no sibling. That would fit in our only room that had space, Tori's room (girl). The combination of those things and a few other things going on at the same time with old friends of ours, it became clear that it was a door closed to that particular avenue.

In all honesty, that shut door was hard for me to grasp. We were stumped. Foster to adopt had always been the plan when thinking "someday". I didn't know what to do next. The call to adopt was so strong......but take care of your own first, right? Embarrassing to admit, but that was always in my thoughts. Isn't it funny how even when thinking about something as awesome as adoption......we all still have an opinion? That one way is better than another? Isn't a kid in need, a kid in need? Regardless of where they are from? Let me tell you. God had to start working on my heart in a big way - and He started with some of the stuff that looked good on the outside, but He was dealing with an issue that no one could see on my insides. It was a pride thing. A judgmental thing - and God rooted it up from my core. Ouch.

See? Yet another example. Told you I'm messed up without Christ. I need His grace. Big time.

So if foster to adopt isn't it, then okay God, take the lead. Show us where to go. Because how on earth do we narrow it down to a country? There is need everywhere. Especially when we've never even looked outward beyond our country's borders.

I started looking into Haiti. 45 min. flight from Florida. Is there need? Check. Proximity? Check. Do we meet the adoption guidelines for the country? Almost......couple married for 10 yrs (accomplished Nov. 2012), one person in the couple age 35 (accomplished Oct. 2012) - so by Fall 2012? Check. We are a go!

Now to narrow down to an agency. Ugh. More research. Found a creche (or orphanage for younger kids) that we LOVED down in Haiti, based on their mission. Support to mamas. Adoption was the 2nd option. Getting kids healthy and back with their biological families was the main mission. So awesome. We envisioned going back to support, help, etc. That creche only worked with 2 different agencies, so our field was narrowed significantly. From that we chose the more experienced of the two agencies. We were a go. Sent in our application to that agency. They called back days after receiving it and let us know that Haiti was changing to a Hague country (not a problem) so all agencies had to be re-approved and no new families would be considered, for the whole country, until 2013.

Agency: Would you perhaps want to consider Ethiopia? Your family would be a good fit.  

Nope. Haiti.

Haiti continued to be up in the air. It became clear that no resolutions were coming any time soon.

Door closed.

Decided to inquire about Democratic Republic of the Congo with the same agency. They told us they would send the information.

Agency again asked: Would you consider Ethiopia? Your family would be a good fit.

Nope. We want to look into the Congo. We fit the requirements, with the exception of having 3 kids, and one of the countries requirements is that couples only have 2. The agency said that the country often waives that requirement and it should not be a problem. However, a few days later told us that they would rather not risk it as we could potentially get all the way to court and the judge decide to enforce the requirements, and that would be an issue.

Door closed.

Agency again asks: Would you consider Ethiopia? Your family would be a good fit.

Fine. We will consider it.

Information was sent to us by the agency. Started researching the country. We are in Love. We have total peace. This is it.

Door.Wide.Open.

Do you realize how much this process can parallel conceiving a child naturally?
Seriously, MILLIONS of options are available when you think about it. Sorry to speak of the birds and the bees with y'all (but hey, I was a P.E./health teacher back in the day, so I'm qualified to do so :) In any given conception there were MILLIONS of possible combinations. Millions of sperm going for one egg when a child is conceived, with each month having another set of totally different possibilities. It is absolutely mind boggling when you thing about what the chances are of you being you. Oh but wait, despite the "odds" it isn't chance. Psalms 139:13, 15&16 speaks to this "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Wow. Let that sink in. You were on purpose. Out of the MILLIONS of combos available - God had a plan for you.......

God also has a plan for one specific little girl we have yet to lay eyes on.

Did you know there are an estimated 165 million orphans worldwide?
How do we get to our little girl? We are being led. (Remember Prov. 16:9 from above) It started with that closed door for foster to adopt, which then led us to open up to possibility of international adoptions, which then led us to Haiti. Choosing that ONE creche, which led to that ONE agency, which then led to Ethiopia, which then leads to just a few orphanages. It then got even more specified than even those things. Since we lost our 1st referral at court, we can now only go through ONE region, which only has ONE orphanage that our agency works with.

Filtered down.

Bit by bit.

Down

to

ONE.

So why Ethiopia?

That is where our daughter is.
 

This is worth the repost, if you've never seen it.....

Mercy Triumphs

I have been joining 35ish women at Journey Church every Tuesday evening for the last six weeks. (big props to the hubs who shuttles around the kids and feeds them dinner to boot) We are currently going through a Beth Moore bible study of the book of James "Mercy Triumphs"

It is intense.

It is in your face.

It is timely. Each week. Very timely.

Remember reading in the blog a few weeks ago? Things were hard (okay, well that's been the theme for awhile). Oh, were they hard. I mean, come on. We had been waiting 7 weeks. That week was when we started studying the first chapter of James. James 1:2 "Consider it pure joy (PURE JOY), my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Timely. Awesome. I could see how God was working in "my trial". Man it hurts. But I was totally considering it Joy because I know that the perserverance in it was bringing about something that couldn't come about any other way.

Fast forward to another month of the same trial and my painful miscarriage analogy last week (sorry to any man that might find themselves reading this blog) and you can deduce that I'm definitely not experiencing the feeling of joy, not even considering it joy at this point. 

Then, unfortunately, to top off the not feeling so joyous is the feeling of guilt for not being joyful. I know. Seriously? Messed up w/ out Christ.

Why would I fight feelings like this when I know God has got this? I mean, come on. I'm a Christian. Shouldn't a mature Christian have this all figured out by now? Well, my friends, when plagued by guilt (of any kind, not just my personal brand) there are two places to go. That guilt can cause you to run from God or run to him. Feelings of - I'm not good enough, I'm a failure, I should know better, I messed up big time, He'll never take me as I am are all lies, a certain "Father of Lies" uses, to get us to go the incorrect direction.

Even me. Where am I going to go? From him OR to him?

I so want so badly to have it all together, so badly that I at those guilt induced times forget James 4:6 "He gives us more grace. That is why scripture says: God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." God doesn't need us to have it all together. You see He already knows. Let me say that again. God already knows. My yuck? He knows. God loves me anyway. Your yuck? He knows. God loves you anyway. That guilt? He wants me to bring it TO him. Run TO Him when I feel a failure. Run TO Him when I'm face to face with not measuring up. Why? Because He will take it from you and replace it with freedom. Freedom from what? Guilt. Jesus's sacrifice on the cross took that yuck, of whatever you've done, when you repent and give it to Him - and He replaces it with freedom. Freedom. With Jesus standing firmly in my place - His sacrifice is enough. There is grace at the cross.

Whew. That is, was, and forever will be, good news. God gives us more grace!

And then last night......I got smacked in the face with joy and hope again. Praise Jesus!!!

Here is an excerpt from week 5 of the study that did a good job of lobbing perspective my way......... 
"This life cannot be properly understood without considering the spiritual realm, a realm that impinges on and ultimately determines the material realm in which we live day to day" (from a commentary) "Maybe we've heard this until the holes of our ears have grown over, but God is the only one looking through every layer and at every implication. He also looks upon a situation in context of what is, what was, and what is to come. His deliberations don't just involve immediate impact. He sees our place and our positions amid carefully woven generations."

I know that God's plan is beyond my understanding. I know that He has heard my every sigh....Psalms 139:4 "Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, Oh Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me."  and through this James study yesterday, God showed me a possibility that could potentially be unfolding. I know that He is orchestrating something bigger and more amazing than I could have ever dreamed up.

Still so amazed at the timeliness of this bible study in my life. This is one pumped up and encouraged mama! Love it!

In adoption news, we are still just waiting for MOWA to sign some letters so we can be referred our sweet girl. So prayers would be appreciated! It does make me chuckle how I was so afraid of court closure (mid-August thru mid-October) and by the time we get our next referral, have weathered through the new PAIR process and are submitted to court, closure will no longer be an issue.

Song of the week......

I still Believe

by Jeremy Camp

 This song in and of itself is so good. However, new perspective on the song a few weeks ago, as I found out that Jeremy Camp wrote this song shortly after his wife's death in 2001. Whew.

12 weeks....

This blog entry is getting published out in blog land in the evening, but please make note internally it was written in the morning. Why do you need to know that? Because adoption has it's ups and downs, and this blog post was written in a down. A deep down funk that I have been in for a few days. I had a bit of a much needed perspective change after writing this to full completion. Perspective. It is a beautiful thing. So much so, I wasn't even going to publish this post. Just save it for myself. However, it part of the story. Whether I like it or not, it is what I'm going through. Because of that - I'm putting it out there. Proceed at your own risk.........

It is hard to write about struggles, but here it is people.

I am finding myself fiercely fighting an urge to look like I have it all together. In case I have anyone fooled into thinking that - I'm putting that notion to rest right now. I do not have it all together. Not even close. Do you know how easy it would be to sugar coat things on this blog? Or not write anything at all when times are rough? In all honesty, I'd rather save face. However, for authenticity sake, I feel compelled to let this blog follow all aspects of our adoption journey. The good, the bad and the ugly.  

Unfortunately, this is the ugly.

This wait is becoming brutal the longer it goes on, and this mama is still counting by the weeks...


I have recently pinpointed why it is getting worse. Effects of a mental miscarriage. What? Sounds crazy, right? Stick with me. When we lost Baby H's referral, other adoptive mama's who had also experienced that same loss told me that losing a referral was like a mental miscarriage. Hmmm.....okay, that's odd - but I could kinda see that comparison. Hopes and dreams for that child, excitement about that child, anticipation for that child, etc. and then it all comes to an abrupt halt. Abrupt. Halt.

I understood what those adoptive mom's were saying. I got the analogy. But knowing God has a plan in store and knowing how we lost Baby H referral, which was very definitive that she wasn't the child for us (as opposed to other ways to lose a referral), made it easier for me to move on in the beginning. Please don't get me wrong. Still incredibly hard. Still sad. Crazy disappointing. But knowing that baby H went back with her mama. Awesome. Knowing that we were again waiting for a little girl that needed us as a family. Awesome. Especially because we believed it would happen soon. Within weeks.

Oh, how ignorance is bliss. How glad I am now that I had no idea I'd still be waiting almost three months later.

Fast forward to now.....and I am totally understanding the miscarriage reference. I am watching others who were with me in the process already home with their kiddos. I'm watching others who were behind me in the process pass me and are close to bringing home kiddos. Yet here I wait. At the start. Not even knowing who my kiddo is. What she looks like. How old she is. Her name. What is her name?

It hurts people. It hurts.

Please don't get me wrong, I am totally celebrating with these other families. THRILLED that these kids who were orphaned are now loved and cherished. It is amazing to watch, actually. But when you feel stuck? With no end in sight? With constant reminders of where you thought you'd be?

Let's just say I'm understanding that reference loud and clear now. Loud and clear.

Whew. So basically it comes down to that I am feeling like a hot mess (which I already knew, but now it is all up in my face big time) God already knows it, yet He loves me anyway. He has grace enough for even me.

I saw the following on a friend's facebook page this past week. Bears repeating. Believing in Jesus doesn't mean I have it all together......it's actually admitting that I don't.

I am a Christian
When I say that "I am a Christian," I am not shouting that "I am clean living." I am whispering "I was lost, but now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say that "I am a Christian," I don't speak of this with pride. I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say "I am a Christian," I'm not trying to be strong. I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.
When I say "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success. I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.
When I say "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect. My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.
When I say "I am a Christian," I still feel the sting of pain. I have heartaches, so I call upon His name.
When I say "I am a Christian," I'm not holier than thou. I'm just a simple sinner who received God's good grace, somehow!

As for new adoption news - I did find out that at least one child meeting our parameters (girl 0-2yrs.) has been moved from the orphanage that we must adopt from (if you don't know what I'm referring to, you can look back and find the explanation in a mid-July blog post) to the foster home as of a week ago. Which is exciting - however, the referral can not take place until she is paper ready......and we are waiting for one more MOWA letter to arrive for that child. How long will that take? No telling. Could be a week, a month or more. No time frame. More waiting with no definitive end in sight.

Just to be clear.......this expose into my struggle doesn't change what I know. I know God is working for the good. I know this is all part of a bigger plan. I know that this little girl will be worth every second of the wait. But knowing all those things doesn't take away the pain of the wait that this mama has in her heart.


Please be praying for my sweet girl. She is the one lacking the most. Pray for her heart. For her protection. Pray that the paperwork that stands in the way would be dealt with swiftly.

Also, please be praying for strength, patience & peace during this extended wait time. I need it.