So, dear reader, with absolutely nothing noteworthy taking place on the adoption front - I am going to focus my blog attentions on the cute little people that already reside in my home.
This past Saturday we loaded up the fam to go apple picking. It was the first time yours truly had been apple picking since on a field trip as a KINDERGARTENER. Yes, 5 year old Cheryl. Short boy haircut and all (thanks Pierre. I mean, Dad). This Saturday was also the first time that my children had seen apples in their actual growing state, not just in a bin at our local Walmart.
One could say we were a bit overdue for this experience.
Just a bit.
So overdue that apparently my eldest child, in all his years of book learning, had missed the important factoid of how apples grew. In the wild. You know, on trees. He actually said these words to me "I can't believe apples grow on trees, I thought they grew on vines."
Let that sink in.
Those words seriously came out of my own child's mouth.
Parenting. Fail.
I worked my way through that failure knowing that Jake now holds the knowledge of apple growing truth. No longer will he live in the dark. He can take that knowledge back to school. Telling all the other 4th graders who may not yet know......"apples grow on trees. I've seen it with my own eyes."
Here are some pics from our apple picking extravaganza.......
The fun has continued as we've begun the processing of our apples. The kids had a blast with the apple peeler/corer/slicer gadget.....that I tried so hard to get rid of a few years back because we NEVER used it (in our 10 years of marriage), but Jason wouldn't let me. He apparently had dreams for that little gadget and what it could produce. Dreams that were fulfilled tonight - and will continue to be fulfilled as he feasts on applesauce, apple chips, apple pies & crisps. So let the record now state, that was a good save Jason, a good save. You were right dear ;)
Tuesday's tune is one of my favorites, take a moment to listen - you won't regret it.
This is a valid question that we often find ourselves facing when people find out we are adopting.
So when thinking about writing this post, I was preparing to dig through all sorts
of stats about the needs, because believe me, there is
need. (1 in 6 children die before the age of 5, 5 million orphans in a country only twice the size of Texas, etc.)
However, for us, it is goes deeper than just statistics.
Why Ethiopia?
That is where our
daughter is.
I know that sounds simplistic. Definitely is definitive. Let me explain......
Proverbs. 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." When you are following God's leading, it often takes you somewhere other than where you expected to go. For us - God has taken a process that we had planned to go a certain way and mushed it all around to something else entirely different. Something beautiful.
In Summer 2012, God impressed on us that it was time to get moving. It was time to put action to words. He was calling us to adopt. Great! Here we go. We had talked about adoption before and knew that fostering to adopt was the avenue we were going to approach.
No. Doubt. About. It.
We started doing our research......or actually to be truthful (because those people that know us well wouldn't fall for that) Istarted to research. Obviously we knew nothing and needed to know HOW to go about it. I was reading everything I could get my hands on about the topic of adoption and, more specifically, foster to adopt. The more I researched about adoption, the more I realized it was of utmost importance that our kids already in our home maintained our priority when making decisions for our family, their young ages
and needs had to be considered. One thing felt clear. We needed to stay within our family's "birth order" - which meant the new kiddo would need to be under the age of 3
(Joel had just turned 4 at the time). We also knew that we were not open to sibling sets at this point. That considerably narrowed our parameters in the foster system. A child free for adoption. Under the age of 3. With no sibling. That would fit in our only room that had space, Tori's room (girl). The combination of those things and a few other things going on at the same time with old friends of ours, it became clear that it was a door closed to that particular avenue.
In all honesty, that shut door was hard for me to grasp. We were stumped. Foster to adopt had always been the plan when thinking "someday". I didn't know what to do next. The call to adopt was so strong......but take care of your own first, right? Embarrassing to admit, but that was always in my thoughts. Isn't it funny how even when thinking about something as awesome as adoption......we all still have an opinion? That one way is better than another? Isn't a kid in need, a kid in need? Regardless of where they are from? Let me tell you. God had to start working on my heart in a big way - and He started with some of the stuff that looked good on the outside, but He was dealing with an issue that no one could see on my insides. It was a pride thing. A judgmental thing - and God rooted it up from my core. Ouch.
See? Yet another example. Told you I'm messed up without Christ. I need His grace. Big time.
So if foster to adopt isn't it, then okay God, take the lead. Show us where to go. Because how on earth do we narrow it down to a country? There is need everywhere. Especially when we've never even looked outward beyond our country's borders.
I started looking into Haiti. 45 min. flight from Florida. Is there need? Check. Proximity? Check. Do we meet the adoption guidelines for the country? Almost......couple married for 10 yrs (accomplished Nov. 2012), one person in the couple age 35 (accomplished Oct. 2012) - so by Fall 2012? Check. We are a go!
Now to narrow down to an agency. Ugh. More research. Found a creche (or orphanage for younger kids) that we LOVED down in Haiti, based on their mission. Support to mamas. Adoption was the 2nd option. Getting kids healthy and back with their biological families was the main mission. So awesome. We envisioned going back to support, help, etc. That creche only worked with 2 different agencies, so our field was narrowed significantly. From that we chose the more experienced of the two agencies. We were a go. Sent in our application to that agency. They called back days after receiving it and let us know that Haiti was changing to a Hague country (not a problem) so all agencies had to be re-approved and no new families would be considered, for the whole country, until 2013.
Agency: Would you perhaps want to consider Ethiopia? Your family would be a good fit.
Nope. Haiti.
Haiti continued to be up in the air. It became clear that no resolutions were coming any time soon.
Door closed.
Decided to inquire about Democratic Republic of the Congo with the same agency. They told us they would send the information.
Agency again asked: Would you consider Ethiopia? Your family would be a good fit.
Nope. We want to look into the Congo. We fit the requirements, with the exception of having 3 kids, and one of the countries requirements is that couples only have 2. The agency said that the country often waives that requirement and it should not be a problem. However, a few days later told us that they would rather not risk it as we could potentially get all the way to court and the judge decide to enforce the requirements, and that would be an issue.
Door closed.
Agency again asks: Would you consider Ethiopia? Your family would be a good fit.
Fine. We will consider it.
Information was sent to us by the agency. Started researching the country. We are in Love. We have total peace. This is it.
Door.Wide.Open.
Do you realize how much this process can parallel conceiving a child naturally?
Seriously, MILLIONS of options are available when you think about it. Sorry to speak of the birds and the bees with y'all (but hey, I was a P.E./health teacher back in the day, so I'm qualified to do so :) In any given conception there were MILLIONS of possible combinations. Millions of sperm going for one egg when a child is conceived, with each month having another set of totally different possibilities. It is absolutely mind boggling when you thing about what the chances are of you being you. Oh but wait, despite the "odds" it isn't chance. Psalms 139:13, 15&16 speaks to this "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Wow. Let that sink in. You were on purpose. Out of the MILLIONS of combos available - God had a plan for you.......
God also has a plan for one specific little girl we have yet to lay eyes on.
Did you know there are an estimated 165 million orphans worldwide?
How do we get to our little girl? We are being led. (Remember Prov. 16:9 from above) It started with that closed door for foster to adopt, which then led us to open up to possibility of international adoptions, which then led us to Haiti. Choosing that ONE creche, which led to that ONE agency, which then led to Ethiopia, which then leads to just a few orphanages. It then got even more specified than even those things. Since we lost our 1st referral at court, we can now only go through ONE region, which only has ONE orphanage that our agency works with.
Filtered down.
Bit by bit.
Down
to
ONE.
So why Ethiopia?
That is where our daughter is.
This is worth the repost, if you've never seen it.....
I have been joining 35ish women at Journey Church every Tuesday evening for the last six weeks. (big props to the hubs who shuttles around the kids and feeds them dinner to boot) We are currently going through a Beth Moore bible study of the book of James "Mercy Triumphs"
It is intense.
It is in your face.
It is timely. Each week. Very timely.
Remember reading in the blog a few weeks ago? Things were hard (okay, well that's been the theme for awhile). Oh, were they hard. I mean, come on. We had been waiting 7 weeks. That week was when we started studying the first chapter of James. James 1:2 "Consider it pure joy (PURE JOY), my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Timely. Awesome. I could see how God was working in "my trial". Man it hurts. But I was totally considering it Joy because I know that the perserverance in it was bringing about something that couldn't come about any other way.
Fast forward to another month of the same trial and my painful miscarriage analogy last week (sorry to any man that might find themselves reading this blog) and you can deduce that I'm definitely not experiencing the feeling of joy, not even considering it joy at this point.
Then, unfortunately, to top off the not feeling so joyous is the feeling of guilt for not being joyful. I know. Seriously? Messed up w/ out Christ.
Why would I fight feelings like this when I know God has got this? I mean, come on. I'm a Christian. Shouldn't a mature Christian have this all figured out by now? Well, my friends, when plagued by guilt (of any kind, not just my personal brand) there are two places to go. That guilt can cause you to run from God or run to him. Feelings of - I'm not good enough, I'm a failure, I should know better, I messed up big time, He'll never take me as I am are all lies, a certain "Father of Lies" uses, to get us to go the incorrect direction.
Even me. Where am I going to go? From him OR to him?
I so want so badly to have it all together, so badly that I at those guilt induced times forget James 4:6 "He gives us more grace. That is why scripture says: God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." God doesn't need us to have it all together. You see He already knows. Let me say that again. God already knows. My yuck? He knows. God loves me anyway. Your yuck? He knows. God loves you anyway. That guilt? He wants me to bring it TO him. Run TO Him when I feel a failure. Run TO Him when I'm face to face with not measuring up. Why? Because He will take it from you and replace it with freedom. Freedom from what? Guilt. Jesus's sacrifice on the cross took that yuck, of whatever you've done, when you repent and give it to Him - and He replaces it with freedom. Freedom. With Jesus standing firmly in my place - His sacrifice is enough. There is grace at the cross.
Whew. That is, was, and forever will be, good news. God gives us more grace!
And then last night......I got smacked in the face with joy and hope again. Praise Jesus!!!
Here is an excerpt from week 5 of the study that did a good job of lobbing perspective my way.........
"This life cannot be properly understood without considering the spiritual realm, a realm that impinges on and ultimately determines the material realm in which we live day to day" (from a commentary) "Maybe we've heard this until the holes of our ears have grown over, but God is the only one looking through every layer and at every implication. He also looks upon a situation in context of what is, what was, and what is to come. His deliberations don't just involve immediate impact. He sees our place and our positions amid carefully woven generations."
I know that God's plan is beyond my understanding. I know that He has heard my every sigh....Psalms 139:4 "Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, Oh Lord. You hem me in - behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me." and through this James study yesterday, God showed me a possibility that could potentially be unfolding. I know that He is orchestrating something bigger and more amazing than I could have ever dreamed up.
Still so amazed at the timeliness of this bible study in my life. This is one pumped up and encouraged mama! Love it!
In adoption news, we are still just waiting for MOWA to sign some letters so we can be referred our sweet girl. So prayers would be appreciated! It does make me chuckle how I was so afraid of court closure (mid-August thru mid-October) and by the time we get our next referral, have weathered through the new PAIR process and are submitted to court, closure will no longer be an issue.
Song of the week......
I still Believe
by Jeremy Camp
This song in and of itself is so good. However, new perspective on the song a few weeks ago, as I found out that Jeremy Camp wrote this song shortly after his wife's death in 2001. Whew.
This blog entry is getting published out in blog land in the evening, but please make note internally it was written in the morning. Why do you need to know that? Because adoption has it's ups and downs, and this blog post was written in a down. A deep down funk that I have been in for a few days. I had a bit of a much needed perspective change after writing this to full completion. Perspective. It is a beautiful thing. So much so, I wasn't even going to publish this post. Just save it for myself. However, it part of the story. Whether I like it or not, it is what I'm going through. Because of that - I'm putting it out there. Proceed at your own risk.........
It is hard to write about struggles, but here it is people.
I am finding myself fiercely fighting an urge to look like I have it all together. In case I have anyone fooled into thinking that - I'm putting that notion to rest right now. I do not have it all together. Not even close. Do you know how easy it would be to sugar coat things on this blog? Or not write anything at all when times are rough? In all honesty, I'd rather save face. However, for authenticity sake, I feel compelled to let this blog follow all aspects of our adoption journey. The good, the bad and the ugly.
Unfortunately, this is the ugly.
This wait is becoming brutal the longer it goes on, and this mama is still counting by the weeks...
I have recently pinpointed why it is getting worse. Effects of a mental miscarriage. What? Sounds crazy, right? Stick with me. When we lost Baby H's referral, other adoptive mama's who had also experienced that same loss told me that losing a referral was like a mental miscarriage. Hmmm.....okay, that's odd - but I could kinda see that comparison. Hopes and dreams for that child, excitement about that child, anticipation for that child, etc. and then it all comes to an abrupt halt. Abrupt. Halt.
I understood what those adoptive mom's were saying. I got the analogy. But knowing God has a plan in store and knowing how we lost Baby H referral, which was very definitive that she wasn't the child for us (as opposed to other ways to lose a referral), made it easier for me to move on in the beginning. Please don't get me wrong. Still incredibly hard. Still sad. Crazy disappointing. But knowing that baby H went back with her mama. Awesome. Knowing that we were again waiting for a little girl that needed us as a family. Awesome. Especially because we believed it would happen soon. Within weeks.
Oh, how ignorance is bliss. How glad I am now that I had no idea I'd still be waiting almost three months later.
Fast forward to now.....and I am totally understanding the miscarriage reference. I am watching others who were with me in the process already home with their kiddos. I'm watching others who were behind me in the process pass me and are close to bringing home kiddos. Yet here I wait. At the start. Not even knowing who my kiddo is. What she looks like. How old she is. Her name. What is her name?
It hurts people. It hurts.
Please don't get me wrong, I am totally celebrating with these other families. THRILLED that these kids who were orphaned are now loved and cherished. It is amazing to watch, actually. But when you feel stuck? With no end in sight? With constant reminders of where you thought you'd be?
Let's just say I'm understanding that reference loud and clear now. Loud and clear.
Whew. So basically it comes down to that I am feeling like a hot mess (which I already knew, but now it is all up in my face big time) God already knows it, yet He loves me anyway. He has grace enough for even me.
I saw the following on a friend's facebook page this past week. Bears repeating. Believing in Jesus doesn't mean I have it all together......it's actually admitting that I don't.
I am a Christian
When I say that "I am a Christian," I am not shouting that "I am clean living." I am whispering "I was lost, but now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say that "I am a Christian," I don't speak of this with pride. I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say "I am a Christian," I'm not trying to be strong. I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.
When I say "I am a Christian," I'm not bragging of success. I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.
When I say "I am a Christian," I'm not claiming to be perfect. My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.
When I say "I am a Christian," I still feel the sting of pain. I have heartaches, so I call upon His name.
When I say "I am a Christian," I'm not holier than thou. I'm just a simple sinner who received God's good grace, somehow!
As for new adoption news - I did find out that at least one child
meeting our parameters (girl 0-2yrs.) has been moved from the orphanage
that we must adopt from (if you don't know what I'm referring to, you
can look back and find the explanation in a mid-July blog post) to the
foster home as of a week ago. Which is exciting - however, the referral
can not take place until she is paper ready......and we are waiting for
one more MOWA letter to arrive for that child. How long will that take? No telling. Could be a week, a month or more. No time frame. More
waiting with no definitive end in sight.
Just to be clear.......this expose into my struggle doesn't change what I know. I know God is working for the good. I know this is all part of a bigger plan. I know that this little girl will be worth every second of the wait. But knowing all those things doesn't take away the pain of the wait that this mama has in her heart.
Please be praying for my sweet girl. She is the one lacking the most. Pray for her heart. For her protection. Pray that the paperwork that stands in the way would be dealt with swiftly.
Also, please be praying for strength, patience & peace during this extended wait time. I need it.
