We are now at almost a year since sending in our dossier and lost our first referral many, many months ago. Unfortunately, the only adoption news that we seem to continually receive is that things will take longer. No timeline-type longer (which equates to "not anytime soon"). Throughout this past year we have watched families, who were with us during our first referral timeline, move on - as in their children have been home now for months, moved on. We have watched countless families who were behind us in the adoption process pass, and are now leaps and bounds ahead (oh comparison how you are despised!). Yet, here we sit. At the exact same spot as last year at this time - still at the starting line. Then to add insult to injury - my baby (or toddler, or pre-schooler) is on the other side of the world. Without a family. At Christmas. Stuck. Ugh.
Stuck. The most un-fun of words.
These aforementioned facts have been working overtime to draw my focus lately.
This situation feels ridiculous. It feels out of control. It feels totally unfair. Lately it has even felt hopeless, as though nothing will ever happen.
Things FEEL. These feelings? Honestly, they suck (sorry mom) and they are in my face constantly.
My struggle (especially this week) is putting them in their correct place - they are Feelings. Feelings change. Feelings lie. Feelings don't always line up with TRUTH.
Oh the tears that came this week as I wrestle with continually handing this situation over to God. Especially as of late, now that it FEELS like we are way overdue for some action. However, in the depths of my angst this week - I ran across a blog post by Jen Hatmaker that was written in 2011. Once again, so timely, as it spoke directly to what I was feeling in my sad sack situation......and spoke into it hope and truth. (you can click on the above link if you'd like to read her whole post)
"God doesn't promise us a clean middle part of the story. He never said we wouldn't encounter antagonists and drama and surprise twists and heartbreak. We weren't assured a G-rated plot where good feelings are peddled and no one dies or leaves or fails or waits. God promised things like healing and restoration and redemption. Which implies there will be injuries and broken relationships and losses. When he speaks of beauty from ashes, he seems to know there will be actual ashes to resurrect beauty from.
If you are confused right now, if your story isn't going the way you thought, or if you're tangled up in the messy middle where hope is deferred, dear reader, it could just be that God isn't done yet. Your story is not finished. Every hero and heroine must wade through the conflict to get to the end, and you can trust God because he is good. If you have nothing else to cling to, remember this: God is good. He loves goodness and justice. He heals and redeems. He is on the side of love and beauty. He is for you. He is never against you. You may be against you, other people may be against you, but God is not against you.
It is okay to be confused; I'm afraid that is our lot as finite creatures dealing with an infinite God. Some of God's best heros were confused in their subplots. But I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on. Because God is good and he is for goodness.
And he just isn't done yet."
That there in the 2nd paragraph? That is me. I feel tangled up in that messy middle where hope is deferred. This week as emotions and feelings were battling to take my focus - this was is exactly what my waiting mama heart needed to hear. God has got this. He isn't done yet. You see I KNOW this truth but my FEELINGS don't always line up 100% of the time. I share this not because I want the whole world (or at least the tens of people that read this) to know how much I am struggling to fight feelings, but because maybe you find yourself in a similar situation. A difficult life situation. One that is tiptoeing around hopelessness. One like mine, when you just can't figure out what the heck is going on. The why's of it all. When there is nothing else to hold onto, remember - God is good.
God is good.
My hope by Paul Baloche.
