No changes around here......

I realized today that it had been almost two weeks since I last updated the blog - however, the title of this post sums it all up. Yet somehow I feel obligated to let you people know (whoever you people happen to be), that you haven't missed anything exciting, Nothing new has happened. We are still basking in the wait. Okay, maybe basking isn't the right word, but still waiting. Which is why my blog posts don't happen as often as these days. Do you realize how hard it is to vamp in blog format? Challenging to say the least :)

However, today isn't a vamp. It is good stuff. LONG stuff. So read on, if you dare......

Yesterday I had the opportunity to share at church what God has been doing in our lives.

Yes.

You read that right -  Opportunity.

Last year, at this time, the last thing I would have called it was an opportunity. I would have called speaking in front of two services full of people what it would have been. Awkward torture. You couldn't have forced me. Public speaking is not what I would ever dream of putting on a resume, should I have the chance, because I don't enjoy it.

However, God is showing me to never say never. God has lit a fire in me. I have seen the goodness of the Lord, I have seen His provision first hand, and He is stretching and growing me in ways I never could have imagined.


The result of that?  I can't stop talking about it. To anyone.

So having the opportunity to share at church with that many people - AMAZING. Scary? Out of my comfort zone? A step of faith? Absolutely. But AMAZING.

Want to know the funny thing? (of course you do, why am I even asking) I had known for about 2 weeks that I was going to be speaking this past Sunday - and I had just about the roughest two weeks ever.

Nothing makes you feel disqualified from sharing like feeling like a big ol' mess. Thankfully we have a God that uses us in our weakness, so that we know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it is HIM. Not us.

I was really struggling with the wait those two weeks. Really struggling. I still have complete trust that God has a plan. I still know His word is true. But honestly, my heart at times just hurts. A tangible ache. All I want is to see my sweet kiddo. All I want is to start moving again in this process. I mean, come on. Today marks eleven weeks since we lost our referral to baby H. Our dossier was sent off to Ethiopia over 7 months ago. It is time for some movement people!

Early last week I was having a frank conversation/prayer with God letting him know just how hard this was. I found myself telling him that he had no idea what it was like to wait.

.....then I heard it. Not audibly. But God was showing me. He waits too.

Seriously? What on earth would God be waiting for? Creator of all. Sovereign. Kinda says it all.

Then He hit me with it.

He waits for people to move.
He waits for people to respond.
God made us to have free will (ON PURPOSE)......so He must wait.
He can show us the truth of His word. He can prompt us with the Holy Spirit. But until we CHOOSE to obey and take a step of faith, He waits.

I don't know why, but that was a huge revelation to me. And the yuck that I had been through the last two weeks with the wait? Worth it. He uses all things for the good. Even that. That revelation to me was the exact thing that I felt like I needed to bring with me on Sunday, to challenge people. 
James 1:22 "Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says."

As hard as it can be at the time to learn through the trials and hard times, the growth is priceless. I am grateful that God loves me so much that He won't leave me as I am. He has more for me. All I have to do is leave myself open, regardless of where it takes me or what the cost may be. Because this I know. He is worth it.

Please be praying for us this week - we would love this to be the week we see our little gal's face!

Again, with a song. I can't seem to help myself....

Blessed be your name

Anthony Evans

In His word I put my hope.

It is amazing how different emotions can reside inside me at the same time. 

The last few weeks have been so busy. Trying to stuff in the last bit of summer fun before school starts. Hitting the back to school sales, seeking out that perfect first day of school outfit. Finding out what teachers will be graced by my children's presence this year ;) And then finally preparing for that first day of school. 

It has been busy. It has been awesome. It has also been hard.

Little reminders of where we thought we would be in the process of adopting baby H keep popping up.

Pre-purchased back to school supplies waiting on my children's desk at school - ordered back in April when we thought we'd be traveling to Ethiopia to pick up our sweet girl to take her home around the start of the school year. As a planner, I knew it would be a busy time. I wanted to have one less thing to worry about.

Teachers and parents of our kid's friends at school asking how soon until we bring baby H home. We lost our referral after school ended....so there were a whole slew of people that didn't know.

And the kicker.....the thorough cleaning of Tori's backpack before the school year began. In that cleaning I found a wallet sized picture of baby H, the one she carried with her to show her friends last year. When I turned it over I was greeted by sweet 7 yr. old hand drawn hearts all over the back. Oof. That hit me hard. The reminder. This disappointment and wait is not mine alone. Not Jason's alone. The kids feel it too. 

Whew. Tough Stuff.

Those in my face reminders fight to pull my focus off of what God is doing through this process.....and make it about what He is not doing. 

What God is not doing is not following MY plan.

Oh how frustrating that is. Especially when I have a great plan! (at least I think I do) But honestly. Even though I think I have a great plan - I do believe it possible that God has a better one or bigger one in store.

Despite this knowledge there is an internal struggle that I face. My plan vs. how God's plan is playing out. And within that that I find myself faced with a choice. I can follow my feelings which lead to nothing but frustration and self-pity that things aren't working out in my time frame OR I can dig into the word and get a better perspective.

 *Side note......a set back was inevitable. I was getting a bit amazed by my own patience in the wait this past month, wherein lies the problem. God was sustaining me. It had nothing to do with me. So bring on the set back that comes with pride and making it about me. (yes, as silly as that sounds, and as humbling as that is to write - a touch of pride with just how well I was doing waiting) Seriously? I know. I'm ridiculous. Please don't judge :)

Whew. Yesterday I found myself sitting in my frustration and sorrows. Yes. People I am human. I notoriously pick the feelings option for at least a few hours before I get a good poke in the spirit and then turn into the word. Let me tell you. There is NOTHING as calming. NOTHING as peace filling. NOTHING else that can fill that disappointed yuck space like God's word. 

Yesterday God brought me back to a passage I honestly hadn't felt like I've needed in a while - Psalms 130 about crying out to God and waiting.  

One little verse stood out. 

One. 

Let the digging begin.

Psalms 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."
In His word I put my hope. 
In His WORD I put my hope. 
In HIS WORD I put my HOPE.

What does God's WORD say about him? Let's see....

The Lord will hear when I call to him (Psalms 4:3)
He is a shield for all who take refuge in him (Psalms 18:30) 
The eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him (Psalms 33:18)
Those who fear him lack nothing (Psalms 34:9)
He is our salvation (Acts 4:12)
He is faithful (Psalms 33:4)
He gives strength to the weary (Isaiah 40:29)
He is gentle (Isaiah 42:3)
He gives wisdom to those who ask (James 1:5)
He will never leave or forsake you (Deut. 31:6)
He is pretty big (Psalms 33:6-11)
He has a father's heart (Matt. 7:7-12)
He has plans for us (Jer. 29:11)
He never changes (Heb. 13:8)
And on and on.....that is just the tip of the iceberg.

Maybe it is just me, but when I read Psalms 130:5 "my soul waits and in his WORD I put my hope" and then I stop and ponder what that really means. What his word says about him. Wow. Now that is something I can put my hope in......and my feelings that were crazy out of control moments before are soothed when reminded of just WHO is in control. 

Whew. That's where I am. A human feeling fighter who is on my knees looking up for strength. God is faithful. God is Good. I trust in him. If you don't know Him, you should get to know Him. The peace that he gives is unmatchable. Just sayin'.

You knew I had to do it at some point this week - here is a song!

The Lord our God is

Passion 2013

 

 

Beginnings

Ahhh......the 1st day of school. School clothes new, clean & fresh. New school supplies. New potential friends. Eager kids. So much to look forward too! Which makes it worthy of breaking into my adoption blog to share pictures of my 3 beautiful children that are already within my home. Be.Still.My.Heart. I know I'm there mama, but sometimes I find myself blown away by their cuteness.

Also, I must tell you to brace yourself dear people.

There will be no attached song today. I know that is what you've come to expect from me.

However, wipe your non-existent tears and take a peak at these sweet pics!

Below is Joel & my self-portrait when we returned home......just the two of us. On the first day. For the last time. Next year - Kindergarten for Joel. Big things will happening this year, and next year I'll be returning home with another sweet child after dropping off THREE kids. I am so excited about what is about to unfold during this school year :) 

8 weeks

It has now been 8 weeks that we have been waiting for our new referral.

I just made the realization recently that I had changed. I have changed the way I count. Big news, right? Seriously. Throughout this entire adoption experience I have always kept track using basic generic counting methods (you know, just keeping track in plain old months) i.e. we've been in the process X number of months or we've had our referral for about a month or so - I never kept track down to the week.

Until now.

Why the change? Honestly, I'm not really sure. Trying my hand at introspection (is that even a word?) I discovered that the only other time in my life weeks have been used to count wait was when I was pregnant with each of my three children. I was very specific in my count. Neurotically specific. Just ask Jason. I always knew EXACTLY what week and day I was on in the 40 week pregnancy wait.

In thinking about this "count" and when it's been utilized in the past, I can't help but be drawn into thinking of the other similarities between my pregnancies and this adoption.

All of my children were eagerly anticipated.
All of my children were covered with prayer.
All of my children occasionally made me sick (whether it be physically with morning sickness or with some type of pregnancy scare).
All of my children made me lose sleep (either from not being able to "turn off" my brain or from using the bathroom multiple times every night)
All of my children were loved before they were "officially" with us (outside the mama, that is!). 
All of my children were wanted.  Truly wanted.


The daughter we've never set sight on is no different. Anticipated, wanted, loved and making me lose sleep (although not for the bathroom reason this time :) 
 
That is why I count weeks.

But you know the weird thing?  She has absolutely no idea. No idea that she is loved. No idea that she has a family on the other side of the world that is so excited about getting a glimpse of her face that they are counting the WEEKS.


If she only knew.

You know what is interesting to ponder? The fact that she is totally unaware of our very existence doesn't change things. She is wanted. She has a family. She will soon have a new facet to her identity.

Hmmm....remind you of something? Sounds familiar.

Love. Waiting. Wanting. Sacrifice- sure sounds like the gospel message to me. All of that happening without us knowing. Without us having an idea. Whether we will choose to ignore it, avoid it or not believe it, does not change the fact that WE are wanted.

Wow. What a love. It is because of who HE is and what HE has done. It is not because of merit.  It can't be earned. It is based on who God is. The sacrifice that was already made. As for me, Jesus stands in my place and my righteousness before God is found only in Him. I have been adopted. Redeemed. Restored. And the news keeps getting better....He isn't changing. The name I AM that was told to Moses says it all. Now that is Good News.

Romans 5:8
God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

Let that sink into your soul. YOU are wanted.

Wanted

by Dara Mclean