Monday, October 28, 2013

Moving forward anyway

Don't worry, fellow reader, you missed no news during my 3 week blogging break.

Our waiting skills continue to be perfected.

BUT we are moving forward despite the wait.

Little Miss Tori has been waiting for over a year for the bunk beds that were imminent with the arrival of her little sister. She has been SO patient. And she has wanted them SO bad. (not annoyingly pestering us bad, but often spoke of how she look forward to them). It was time. I needed something exciting just as much as she did, as this wait has drug on. So it was finally decided. This is controllable. It need not go on any longer.

The "plan" was to go shopping for this treasured item last Saturday. The money had already been set aside, so like any well informed consumer, I started to do some preemptive online researching. Looking for the best deal. Not just to direct our store choice, but so we could go Dave Ramsey on them ;)

During my research I came across something shocking.

Very.Shocking.


Did you catch the emotion?

It was one of shock......prepare yourself.

We.already.had.them.

WHAT?

Seriously. I know you must be wondering.....How on earth could we not know this? Let alone be shocked by it?

Well, rewind to almost 4 years ago. We were needing to purchase bedroom furniture for Tori, as Joel had aged up enough to lay claim on the bottom bunk in the boy room. After sharing with Jake for 2 years, she would finally have a girl room all her own. Much searching took place. I ended up finding exactly what I wanted on Craigslist. Name brand, at a discount type place that had lots of other random things. We got an amazing deal. However, we could only purchase the WHOLE set together. It included: a long dresser w/ mirror, tall dresser, nightstand and twin-over-full bunkbeds.

It was a lot of furniture. So much so, that the bottom bunk and another large piece of that set went directly to the basement. It has been stored ever since, with the mental plans to sell the unneeded pieces.

Fast forward to the present.....even knowing there was full bottom bunk downstairs didn't help us out. Tori's room is small that a twin-over-full bunkbed would never fit. This fact we've known for past year. We would need to sell that bunk bed set in order to get the twin-over-twin size that was needed.

Whew. All these details. Hang with me.......

So back to my online shopping - I ran across Tori's exact twin bed, which got me thinking - I wonder if we could buy another twin bed and then somehow bunk it on the other, all we would then need is one bed and a ladder - a much cheaper option. Then it hit me, we already have a ladder in the basement! (from the set we couldn't use). I am rejoicing because maybe all we need to purchase would be a twin bed. Awesome, right?

Thinking even more, I realized that I had never actually seen what the set we had looked like put together, so I decided to google it. I found it easily. Then came that emotion I mentioned before. I found myself absolutely shocked.

That google picture? It showed a twin-over-twin bunk bed - with the bottom bed having an extension piece to make the bottom a full sized.

A twin-over-twin.

Exactly what we needed.

We already owned it.

It had been in our basement all along.

Not only that - but was purchased YEARS before.
YEARS before we started thinking about adoption.

Hmmmmm.....Love it.
I can't help but picture God smiling at times of discovery like that,
God already knew.
How cool is that?

Here are some pics to commemorate the joyous occasion:

Joel-man doing the work of a man
             
Getting ready for another Calder!


 Proof of the final product......


We also decided to go ahead and finish the room, which entailed us lugging up the changing table that I had found used (but awesome) on the swap shop in the Spring. This thing is CRAZY heavy and appears to be solid wood. It has basket slots and a cabinet. It is nice and tall, which this height blessed mama will need when changing those new baby sweet cheeks. However, we decided to take off the rails that will hold the changing pad on the top for now, so it doesn't look like it is just waiting for a little one. I am trying some mental trickery. Hopefully it will work :)

I LOVE it!

Apparently the kids love it too - but for totally different reasons.........

They decided to make it into a Lambie apartment consisting of all sorts of cardboard furniture and decor  



Lambie's living room

Lambie's office

    
Lambie's bathroom - and yes, she is on the potty :)

 So there you have it folks. The girl room is now ready and all we need is the little one to go in it.


Can I just say how thankful I am that God has continued to give me lots of grace in the waiting department, especially lately? So extremely grateful!!! I still have myself the occasional breakthrough moments of rough, and believe me, I am MORE than ready to see this gal's face, but I definitely am enjoying a season of peace.

It may be that finally, as more and more time goes by (5 months today, I still can't stop counting because honestly I think I'm setting a record) after losing our first referral, I've stopped sitting on the edge of my seat. Waiting expectantly each day for it to come. Living like that can deliver you lots of disappointment. So as of late, I am sitting back. Because honestly? My fanny is tired ;)

And because I can't leave you with out a song.......

Should've been me
by Citizen Way

Romans 5:6-8 You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.





Tuesday, October 8, 2013

17 weeks and counting.....

.....in case you have lost track. I keep wondering at what week our counting will cease. 

What we do know is that it will continue for a while longer. Jason (being the amazing husband he is) called our agency yesterday to ask the few questions I had (but was not brave enough to ask) about this continual waiting situation we find ourselves in. The summary of that call was, because of our first loss, they are being extremely selective about who they refer to us (keep in mind we can only adopt from one region, so they are being selective among those children) The reasoning? Trying to limit some risk, as they don't want us to have any more potentially devastating hiccups along the way. So wait longer we will. Not the answer we were hoping for. In fact kinda frustrating at first, but understandable. But I get it. The fact that there is a reason, that helps. I have peace with that. 

I believe that God is doing a work! A work that no doubt we will look back in absolute amazement at how everything unfolded once we are on the other side. 
 
Tuesday's tune is a "must listen". If you are getting this via RSS feed.....STOP your reading and go to the actual blog page to hear this. This worship song I heard for the first time last week.....and now?
My heart can not stop singing! Seriously, listen. Right now. GO!!!

This is Amazing Grace
Bethel Live - feat. Jeremy Riddle

Lyrics:
Who breaks the power of sin and darkness
 Whose love is mighty and so much stronger
The King of Glory, the King above all Kings

Who shakes the whole earth with holy thunder
Who leaves us breathless with awe and wonder
The King of Glory, the King above all Kings.

This is amazing grace
This is unfailing love
That He would take my place
That He would bear my cross
You would lay down your life
That I might be set free
Jesus, I sing for
All that you've done for me

Who brings our chaos back into order
Who makes the orphan a son and daughter
The King of Glory, the King above all Kings

Who rules the nations with truth and justice
Shines like the sun in all its brilliance
The King of Glory, the King above all Kings

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
Worthy is the Lamb who conquered the grave
Worthy is the Lamb who was slain
Worthy is the Lamb who conquered the grave

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Refining


I have come to the conclusion that apparently I have never truly had to wait for anything in my life.

Never.

I thought I had. You know, waited, because of little things. Things that take minutes long at their maximum.....the internet to refresh, a traffic light, a line in the grocery store and one particularly slowly moving child of mine who shall remain nameless :)

I can be quite patient in those moments - CAN being the operative word, especially with that particularly slow moving child AND internet slowness. BUT, despite those occasional exceptions (you can stop laughing now Jason) I normally don't have a huge problem with patience. It's not just an external act of looking patient. It is internal. I really am willing to let others ahead of me. I'm okay with the wait. I understand that it is momentary.

Big of me, I know.

So one would assume that patience in short term waiting would translate to long term waiting.

Absolutely.Not. 
 
I have been so frustrated with the wait, these past few weeks especially. So frustrated, that it really has starting to make me think that my life thus far must have just been one long strolling cake walk. Seriously people. I mean come on. This is a GOOD wait, I'm waiting for something GOOD to happen. So then why does it have me reeling with frustration and experiencing strange emotional effects (a.k.a. tears)?

Reminiscing process commenced. To my relief, it appears as though I have had my own share of circumstances that were "struggles". But it turns out there was a theme........

Here are some highlights - see if you can see that theme.

......as a college student working crazy amounts during my last two years, waiting tables 4 nights a week, so that I could graduate without debt. All the while also paying rent on an apartment, a car loan (won't do that again!), food, gas, clothes, insurance, etc. It was hard, but worth it. Enduring hard. Time limit hard. I knew that it would end and could see the finish line in sight.

.....having my 2nd child when the 1st was only 17 months old (intentionally). My goal setting perfectionist mama-self was determined to make it past the one year mark nursing these babes, because that is what is best according to pediatricians, right? Well, then one year it is. That is what I was going to do. However, that led to BOTH of these children refusing to take a bottle. Ever. Yes, my friends, please do the math with me. In a 31 month period (between the birth of my first child and the weaning of my second) - I had 4 months off. FOUR months. During those other 27 months, I could not leave a child for more than 3 hours max before thinking about heading back to them. Definitely puts a crimp in personal freedom. That was hard, but endurance hard - not waiting hard, endurance hard. Time limit hard. I knew that it would end and could see the finish line in sight.

Do you see it? Definitive end. Endurance. Goals. It can be hard, but I can gut out just about anything that I put my mind to........as long as I know the end is in sight.
  
The list goes on and on for this task oriented goal setter......
- Half marathons? Check.
- Running myself as a teen so hard that I pass out and other yucky things happen? Check.
- Perfect attendance all 4 years of high school, even once going when I was really sick my junior 
  year so I could meet that goal (thanks dad for that extra push....)? Check.  
- Getting a room of twenty bunked 4 to 6 yr. olds to sleep? Check. 
  *to be fair, I do this last one for fun :) but it is a challenge none the less.

You see. 
I can do hard. 
I can set a goal. 
Power through. 
Gut it out. 
......when there is an end.

My hard things have never involved waiting, and waiting, and waiting with no action.

Please don't misunderstand me. Not all the adoption waiting has been tough. Homestudy and dossier prep took months, so there was waiting - but there was a whole lot of DOing in that wait - lots of paperwork. We turned in our dossier mid-January and then started the wait for referral, struggled a bit more with it - but not for long as we surprisingly go a referral mid-April. Lost that referral beginning of June and have been waiting for 4 months for a replacement referral. Four months. We were told when we first lost baby H's referral that it could be weeks......yet here we still are. Waiting. No new news. 

This adoption process falls into a whole different category all together then my other hard stuff. I can't power through. I can't gut it out. I can't affect the outcome. I most definitely can not see the end in sight, and my mind has a hard time wrapping around and dealing with it.

There is literally no where to look but UP. 

My hope is in God alone.

I am (painfully) realizing I can't rush Him. No matter how much I want to. 

This kind of dependence is refining me. Day by day. Week by week. Month by month. Bit by bit. 

Honestly? It.is.hard.and.it.hurts. 

I've run the gammit of emotions with this refining. Not all of them so great. However, God pretty big - turns out He can take it. He knows we are human. Hebrews 4:15 &16 "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

As of late, my heart is so tender. Tears come easily, which to totally understate it, is rare from me.

However, God has been showing me a gift He has given to hang onto during this rough patch.

Hindsight.

When Jason and I started this adoption process, along with praying for our daughter, we asked God for provision and support. Looking back over this last year and I can see, with utter amazement, how He has provided both.

Financially? Fully Funded, Praise the Lord!

Support? Besides family and friend support (which has been imperative) God also has given us a network of people that are going through adoptions as well. People that we didn't know even existed a year ago, whose depth of understand and parallel life stories are such a comfort. People who can speak right into the situation. Encourage. Pray. Uplift. Praise the Lord!

I can look back over this past year and tangibly see how God answered prayer, and although we are waiting crazy longer than we ever thought we would, He has given us something to hold onto. Something amazing. Something that speaks directly to my soul which lets me know that God will finish the work that HE started.

Why?

Because He is faithful.

Please pray for paperwork to start moving on the Ethiopian side of things.....nothing can go forward until that happens. Pray for the health of our daughter - God already knows who she is. Please continue to pray for strength and patience for us. We can't do this without what God provides.

The song for the week is one I never heard before this past weekend.
Oh.my.word.
Feels like it was written for me.

Oceans (Where feet may fail)
by Hillsong United
 


Isaiah 41:10
So, do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will stengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.