Refining

I have come to the conclusion that apparently I have never truly had to wait for anything in my life.

Never.

I thought I had. You know, waited, because of little things. Things that take minutes long at their maximum.....the internet to refresh, a traffic light, a line in the grocery store and one particularly slowly moving child of mine who shall remain nameless :)

I can be quite patient in those moments - CAN being the operative word, especially with that particularly slow moving child AND internet slowness. BUT, despite those occasional exceptions (you can stop laughing now Jason) I normally don't have a huge problem with patience. It's not just an external act of looking patient. It is internal. I really am willing to let others ahead of me. I'm okay with the wait. I understand that it is momentary.

Big of me, I know.

So one would assume that patience in short term waiting would translate to long term waiting.

Absolutely.Not. 
 
I have been so frustrated with the wait, these past few weeks especially. So frustrated, that it really has starting to make me think that my life thus far must have just been one long strolling cake walk. Seriously people. I mean come on. This is a GOOD wait, I'm waiting for something GOOD to happen. So then why does it have me reeling with frustration and experiencing strange emotional effects (a.k.a. tears)?

Reminiscing process commenced. To my relief, it appears as though I have had my own share of circumstances that were "struggles". But it turns out there was a theme........

Here are some highlights - see if you can see that theme.

......as a college student working crazy amounts during my last two years, waiting tables 4 nights a week, so that I could graduate without debt. All the while also paying rent on an apartment, a car loan (won't do that again!), food, gas, clothes, insurance, etc. It was hard, but worth it. Enduring hard. Time limit hard. I knew that it would end and could see the finish line in sight.

.....having my 2nd child when the 1st was only 17 months old (intentionally). My goal setting perfectionist mama-self was determined to make it past the one year mark nursing these babes, because that is what is best according to pediatricians, right? Well, then one year it is. That is what I was going to do. However, that led to BOTH of these children refusing to take a bottle. Ever. Yes, my friends, please do the math with me. In a 31 month period (between the birth of my first child and the weaning of my second) - I had 4 months off. FOUR months. During those other 27 months, I could not leave a child for more than 3 hours max before thinking about heading back to them. Definitely puts a crimp in personal freedom. That was hard, but endurance hard - not waiting hard, endurance hard. Time limit hard. I knew that it would end and could see the finish line in sight.

Do you see it? Definitive end. Endurance. Goals. It can be hard, but I can gut out just about anything that I put my mind to........as long as I know the end is in sight.
  
The list goes on and on for this task oriented goal setter......
- Half marathons? Check.
- Running myself as a teen so hard that I pass out and other yucky things happen? Check.
- Perfect attendance all 4 years of high school, even once going when I was really sick my junior 
  year so I could meet that goal (thanks dad for that extra push....)? Check.  
- Getting a room of twenty bunked 4 to 6 yr. olds to sleep? Check. 
  *to be fair, I do this last one for fun :) but it is a challenge none the less.

You see. 
I can do hard. 
I can set a goal. 
Power through. 
Gut it out. 
......when there is an end.

My hard things have never involved waiting, and waiting, and waiting with no action.

Please don't misunderstand me. Not all the adoption waiting has been tough. Homestudy and dossier prep took months, so there was waiting - but there was a whole lot of DOing in that wait - lots of paperwork. We turned in our dossier mid-January and then started the wait for referral, struggled a bit more with it - but not for long as we surprisingly go a referral mid-April. Lost that referral beginning of June and have been waiting for 4 months for a replacement referral. Four months. We were told when we first lost baby H's referral that it could be weeks......yet here we still are. Waiting. No new news. 

This adoption process falls into a whole different category all together then my other hard stuff. I can't power through. I can't gut it out. I can't affect the outcome. I most definitely can not see the end in sight, and my mind has a hard time wrapping around and dealing with it.

There is literally no where to look but UP. 

My hope is in God alone.

I am (painfully) realizing I can't rush Him. No matter how much I want to. 

This kind of dependence is refining me. Day by day. Week by week. Month by month. Bit by bit. 

Honestly? It.is.hard.and.it.hurts. 

I've run the gammit of emotions with this refining. Not all of them so great. However, God pretty big - turns out He can take it. He knows we are human. Hebrews 4:15 &16 "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

As of late, my heart is so tender. Tears come easily, which to totally understate it, is rare from me.

However, God has been showing me a gift He has given to hang onto during this rough patch.

Hindsight.

When Jason and I started this adoption process, along with praying for our daughter, we asked God for provision and support. Looking back over this last year and I can see, with utter amazement, how He has provided both.

Financially? Fully Funded, Praise the Lord!

Support? Besides family and friend support (which has been imperative) God also has given us a network of people that are going through adoptions as well. People that we didn't know even existed a year ago, whose depth of understand and parallel life stories are such a comfort. People who can speak right into the situation. Encourage. Pray. Uplift. Praise the Lord!

I can look back over this past year and tangibly see how God answered prayer, and although we are waiting crazy longer than we ever thought we would, He has given us something to hold onto. Something amazing. Something that speaks directly to my soul which lets me know that God will finish the work that HE started.

Why?

Because He is faithful.

Please pray for paperwork to start moving on the Ethiopian side of things.....nothing can go forward until that happens. Pray for the health of our daughter - God already knows who she is. Please continue to pray for strength and patience for us. We can't do this without what God provides.

The song for the week is one I never heard before this past weekend.
Oh.my.word.
Feels like it was written for me.

Oceans (Where feet may fail)

by Hillsong United

 

Isaiah 41:10

So, do not fear, for I am with you;

do not be dismayed, for I am your God.

I will stengthen you and help you;

I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.