Waiting for one document.
Again.
Although this document shouldn't be as hard to get as the one we finally got in August - there is no timeline on it's arrival, which is hard as we've already been waiting for it for two weeks. We have seen this time and time again, between us and other families as we have been living in this adoption world for a while now. For a LONG WHILE. This "waiting for one thing". One thing that could easily arrive tomorrow or stretch on for months on end. I've seen days turn into weeks, and weeks turn into months. We obviously are praying that doesn't happen with this document - but the unknown is hard. So hard.
It makes this mama feel weary and just plain worn out. Worn not just because of the process, but seeing my reaction to it after all this time. Sigh. WHY can't I just totally rest and keep going in my life all "fa la la la la" and just shelve it, when it happens it happens? One would think that we would be accustomed to this waiting unknown feeling (as it has been 20 months since we received our first referral and was therefore "actively" in process). Shouldn't I have this down by now? This waiting thing. Haven't I learned anything? Have I gained no maturity at all from this? Seriously. Makes me feel worn down with nothing to show for it.
Just being honest here.
Sometimes it makes no sense to me. We are closer than ever before. Why am I struggling?
Recently the only thing that has helped me begin to cope and not feel like I've lost my mind is relating it to pregnancy (any man reading this, if this makes you feel weird? My apologies). Believe me, I am thanking the LORD I don't look pregnant on the outside, but on the inside? In my mind? Emotions? Goodness night. If people around me could see that? If I could get a visual myself? Oh man. Maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself. Maybe others could see what this process would look like if it was physical, at least people would know how overdue I really am.....and would probably need to look away quick, before the image burned into their brain :)
At this point, by the time little miss arrives home? I could have gestated an ELEPHANT. Yes. That is how insanely enlarged my emotions and brain are at this point......thankfully not the bod. Can you imagine the stretch-marks? Oy. Although thankfully this little one is only 5kg, not 115kg.
I literally feel so distracted, as of late, by this process that I am having a hard time with anything else that competes to take up space in my head - relationships, work/church, kids, house, ________ (basically fill in the blank with anything you'd like), because it feels like NOTHING ELSE MATTERS! I know that isn't the truth. Other things do matter. However, as mom who has personally experienced the very end of pregnancy with three bio babies, you would be hard pressed to convince any mom (who is past their due date) otherwise.
It is honestly such a blessing that I have my three bio babies - it lets me know that I'm not totally crazy at this point, since I can relate what I am going through to something I've experienced with my pregnancies - but also because my kids are the only thing that is keeping me in the United States at this point. I am SO DONE with this process, that if it weren't for those three cute kiddos, I would just leave right now and live in country until I could bring little miss home.
Take all of that crazy pregnancy, elephant gestating talk above ^^^^^^^ and combine that with the fact that little miss's birthday is this week? Mashes together to equal a mama who is worn and weary.
Sigh. Tears aplenty......
Until just recently, I had been holding onto hope that we could travel in November, but with no word on how this one document delay will play out? I feel like I am starting to die to that dream. It's just hard to let that go. A while ago in the adoption process I learned not to put a date out there for things, or a potential timeline as it only ever leads to disappointment - but I did anyway this time. I really thought it could happen. Even though getting my sweet girl is closer than it's ever been? Letting go of a hope or expectation is always painful. I know God has His timing. I know that there is a reason. I know He works all things for good. But knowing those things still doesn't take away the emotion of it in the moment, however what it gives is hope knowing that He will use it. Somehow. It will not be wasted. He will use even this.
PLEASE continue to lift little miss and my family up in prayer and for this ONE document to come quickly. That our family would have favor all the way through to the end of this adoption process, that little miss would be protected from illness as she waits and for this weary and worn mama. I desperately need strength, peace and grace that only God can provide - I am a hot mess mama who just wants her kiddo home.
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