Intentionally different

How excited I am that we are getting close to the bringing home of little miss! Although nothing has recently changed and we don't know quite when (come on last document!) we are close enough that I realize a little prep work needs to be done. Besides preparing my family and home for her arrival, I also need to start preparing those who we see in our day to day lives.

Some prep work needs to be done because parenting little miss IS going to look different than the first three parenting endeavors of kiddos that same age. Intentionally different.

Why?

I'm so glad you asked :)

Obviously it is no secret that Little Miss has had a different start than my other three. She will be coming to us at over a year old, and she is NOT coming to us as a blank slate like the others did. She already has life experiences, norms and expectations - a lot of which are about to be re-written. Not because she came from a bad environment, quite the opposite, little miss has had EXCELLENT care, but what she has not experienced are consistent caregivers.

You know, like parents.

The nannies at her transition home are amazing, but of course, have their own lives (as it is a job), shifts and days off. Even the best type of group care is still group care. Little miss is used to many different people meeting her needs and has no idea what a family is, how it functions, or what it means to have parents. The same consistent people who not only meet needs, but also nurture and love.

Weird to think about, right?

Attachment isn't something I ever thought of when I had my three cute kiddos. They were housed within my body and were born into a loving family. They learned to expect Jason and I to come when they were crying for whatever reason (hungry, hurt, wet, etc.).

How did they come to expect one of the two of us would show up? Every time? Well.....think about it how it works. The concept of family starts at birth builds from there. A trust cycle begins. The child has a need. You meet the need. The child has a need. You meet the need. Over and over and over again (x infinity). The process of going through this over and over with the same caregiver (the parent) builds attachment. The baby begins to learn that their relationship with the parent is different than any other in the outside world.....and it happens bit by bit. Eventually as other experiences happen, the circle grows and it extends to others: grandparents, close friends, friends, acquaintances, the whole outside world - a child who is attached knows that they have a parent (whom they now trust because of this cycle of infinitely met needs) to guide them through these other types of relationships. The family, the parents are the base.

Enlightening, right? This is what a combo of nerd and adoptive parent brings. Ridiculous amounts of book reading over the past 2+ years.....haircare, trans-racial adoption, attachment (and on and on). And now I'm passing my learning on to you - aren't you just thrilled? Ha!

Anyhow, so what the heck does this all mean for you all? Why are you involved in the prep work?

Well, for those of you that live nearby, it is to try to explain beforehand why things will look different as we are helping Little Miss learn what a family is. Even though she will be over a year old when we bring her home? We are starting from scratch. We have to teach her what a family is. As far as "family age"? She is a newborn.

So how the heck do we plan on doing that?

By limiting who meets little miss's needs when she comes home.

Little miss is going to have to learn who Jason and I are. As weird as that may sound. She has to learn that our relationship is different than the rest of the outside world. In order to do that - we have to go all the way back to the beginning, much like you would a newborn. Which means that all her needs for the first few months of being home (i.e.  holding, feeding, diapering, comforting) will be met by Jason and I alone.

Then slowly as little miss starts to learn WHO we are (and that we aren't going anywhere) we will add people into the mix, much like you would a newborn. Think about how you introduce a newborn to the world. Who is visiting the hospital? Who sees your kiddo and family during the first few days? Months? Etc. The circle gradually gets larger as the parents feel more comfortable and the child seems less "newbornish" <<< my own new word.

It will work the same for us. Grandparents and extended close family. Close friends (who are like family too). Then friends and others.

How long will this process take? Ha! Like at this point I trust any sort of Cheryl-made timeline....who knows. We will have to play off her cues as to when she is ready to move onto the next circle of people. I am assuming at this point the first two months all the care, holding of her, etc. will be by Jason and I alone. (which will be helped along by the fact that we plan to stay IN Ethiopia between court and taking her home, which will enable us to have weeks of head start before landing on US soil). Then we will extend the circle to grandparents.....etc., etc. working our way out.

Whew. 

So when we get home right away and you so badly want to hold little miss? Please know that I'm not saying no out of selfishness, as I know so many people are excited about her homecoming, but it comes from a place of trying my hardest to do what is best for her.

I know some people will think that this is a over the top, being this intentionally different, or might not understand at all. But isn't that how parenting always is? Whether it is breastfed or bottle fed, natural consequences, public school or private. Each family has their own way. Everyone has their opinions. After all the reading that I've done in the area of attachment, I really feel like this is something that is important for our family to do this way. Honestly, it makes sense and I would much rather error on the side of TOO attached (if there is such a thing) than not. 

Please try to remember this after she comes home, when we are in the phase in which you can only pat her little back or gaze into her beautiful big eyes, and you find yourself thinking "gosh, this mama is clingy" - that we are only trying to do what we think is best for our little one.

Why? Because that is what parents do - and that is the core of what she needs more than anything. A family that looks after HER best interests!

In other exciting news......little miss's crib and mattress arrived today. Yay! Bring that baby on! Please continue to pray that our one last document will be turned in SOON - we can't wait to move forward, bring this little one home and start enacting our intentionally different parenting skills ;)

*small disclaimer :) At the airport? Um, yes - grandparents and a few others will get to hold her. Circling the family wagons will commence after we arrive at our actual home. So don't freak out MOM!