In His word I put my hope.

It is amazing how different emotions can reside inside me at the same time. 

The last few weeks have been so busy. Trying to stuff in the last bit of summer fun before school starts. Hitting the back to school sales, seeking out that perfect first day of school outfit. Finding out what teachers will be graced by my children's presence this year ;) And then finally preparing for that first day of school. 

It has been busy. It has been awesome. It has also been hard.

Little reminders of where we thought we would be in the process of adopting baby H keep popping up.

Pre-purchased back to school supplies waiting on my children's desk at school - ordered back in April when we thought we'd be traveling to Ethiopia to pick up our sweet girl to take her home around the start of the school year. As a planner, I knew it would be a busy time. I wanted to have one less thing to worry about.

Teachers and parents of our kid's friends at school asking how soon until we bring baby H home. We lost our referral after school ended....so there were a whole slew of people that didn't know.

And the kicker.....the thorough cleaning of Tori's backpack before the school year began. In that cleaning I found a wallet sized picture of baby H, the one she carried with her to show her friends last year. When I turned it over I was greeted by sweet 7 yr. old hand drawn hearts all over the back. Oof. That hit me hard. The reminder. This disappointment and wait is not mine alone. Not Jason's alone. The kids feel it too. 

Whew. Tough Stuff.

Those in my face reminders fight to pull my focus off of what God is doing through this process.....and make it about what He is not doing. 

What God is not doing is not following MY plan.

Oh how frustrating that is. Especially when I have a great plan! (at least I think I do) But honestly. Even though I think I have a great plan - I do believe it possible that God has a better one or bigger one in store.

Despite this knowledge there is an internal struggle that I face. My plan vs. how God's plan is playing out. And within that that I find myself faced with a choice. I can follow my feelings which lead to nothing but frustration and self-pity that things aren't working out in my time frame OR I can dig into the word and get a better perspective.

 *Side note......a set back was inevitable. I was getting a bit amazed by my own patience in the wait this past month, wherein lies the problem. God was sustaining me. It had nothing to do with me. So bring on the set back that comes with pride and making it about me. (yes, as silly as that sounds, and as humbling as that is to write - a touch of pride with just how well I was doing waiting) Seriously? I know. I'm ridiculous. Please don't judge :)

Whew. Yesterday I found myself sitting in my frustration and sorrows. Yes. People I am human. I notoriously pick the feelings option for at least a few hours before I get a good poke in the spirit and then turn into the word. Let me tell you. There is NOTHING as calming. NOTHING as peace filling. NOTHING else that can fill that disappointed yuck space like God's word. 

Yesterday God brought me back to a passage I honestly hadn't felt like I've needed in a while - Psalms 130 about crying out to God and waiting.  

One little verse stood out. 

One. 

Let the digging begin.

Psalms 130:5 "I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope."
In His word I put my hope. 
In His WORD I put my hope. 
In HIS WORD I put my HOPE.

What does God's WORD say about him? Let's see....

The Lord will hear when I call to him (Psalms 4:3)
He is a shield for all who take refuge in him (Psalms 18:30) 
The eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him (Psalms 33:18)
Those who fear him lack nothing (Psalms 34:9)
He is our salvation (Acts 4:12)
He is faithful (Psalms 33:4)
He gives strength to the weary (Isaiah 40:29)
He is gentle (Isaiah 42:3)
He gives wisdom to those who ask (James 1:5)
He will never leave or forsake you (Deut. 31:6)
He is pretty big (Psalms 33:6-11)
He has a father's heart (Matt. 7:7-12)
He has plans for us (Jer. 29:11)
He never changes (Heb. 13:8)
And on and on.....that is just the tip of the iceberg.

Maybe it is just me, but when I read Psalms 130:5 "my soul waits and in his WORD I put my hope" and then I stop and ponder what that really means. What his word says about him. Wow. Now that is something I can put my hope in......and my feelings that were crazy out of control moments before are soothed when reminded of just WHO is in control. 

Whew. That's where I am. A human feeling fighter who is on my knees looking up for strength. God is faithful. God is Good. I trust in him. If you don't know Him, you should get to know Him. The peace that he gives is unmatchable. Just sayin'.

You knew I had to do it at some point this week - here is a song!

The Lord our God is

Passion 2013