Joyful in hope

Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

Ahhhh.....scripture. How you smack me in the face at times. Oh wait, that's right....it's conviction.

Joyful in Hope. 
 JOYFUL. In HOPE. 
                           v. - to desire with expectation of obtainment: to expect with confidence: TRUST

That pesky feeling of conviction that I had when chewing on this particular passage of scripture recently? Well, it's because joyful is NOT the word of choice I would use to describe how I've been waiting (in my hope). Enduring? Maybe. Long-suffering? Obviously :) Trying not to complain? Most definitely. But Joyfully, nope. Not at all. Ouch - Painful. Realization. Made. 

The question I then had to ask myself - Why is there not joy in this adoption wait? I mean I know there will be joy in the end (hello sweet baby love!) but scripture is telling me to be joyful in HOPE, not just meaning the end result but also along the way.

God gave me a blunt answer.......COMPARISON is stealing my Joy. My comparing with others, or how I think things should be, leave me feeling discontent, impatient and frustrated. (which could sum up how I've been feeling at times throughout this process)  This joy stealing principle can apply to all areas of life. But for me, right now, it is adoption. I'm realizing that comparison, in and of itself, is unfair. God has a different plan for me than for others. Our purposes and plans are different. It isn't cookie cutter. Which is hard to fathom and awesome all rolled up into one.
 
Although I'm sure this observation is old news to others, it was an absolute revelation to me. In fact, I'm pretty sure I recall my mama saying this during my tender years (but who listens to mama's anyway?) Sorry mom. This lesson I apparently needed to learn through life experience, you tried :)

Being joyful in hope boils down to trust. Trust that God has a plan. Trust that God knows exactly what is going on. Trust in the work God is doing in me. Trust that He is using it all together for my good.


So Joyful in Hope it is. God has proven that he isn't finished with me yet, no matter how long it takes to get through to me in certain areas - and for that I am one grateful gal. Since I have identified the issue of comparison being my joy stealer, I have experienced more peace in the last few weeks of the wait in this adoption process, then I have had the entire year. If that isn't a Praise Jesus moment, then I don't know what it!!!

 
A song is a must, just sayin'

This week.......my heart's cry. He is all. He is everything. He loves YOU and He gave it all up for you.....Hebrews 12:2 "Let us fix our eye's on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the JOY set before him endured the cross scorning it's shame, and sat down on the right hand of the throne of God."  Joy. He endured the cross with Joy - because He knew what was coming next. Wow. That is some kinda love.

Jeremy Camp's

Give Me Jesus

Tuesday's Tunes

I listened to an oldie (well, to me anyway) today......it was one of my favorites from a Jars of Clay album which came out in 2008. Oldie because it is over 5 years and we have it on CD. Seriously we have tons of CD's. Seems crazy to me that CD's are the "old" thing now that everything is digital - however, I digress.

Even in it's oldness, it is Tuesday Tune worthy. I can't get it to attach for some reason, so you will have to click on the song title if you want to hear it. Believe me. It's worth it!

Jars Of Clay

God Will Lift Up Your Head 

I love the end of this song - soon end in joy. That is what I know will happen with this adoption that God has called my family to. It will end in JOY. I can't wait!

I must tell of my highlight of the week! I had the privilege of meeting up yesterday with another mama in the process of adopting from Ethiopia, that lives in Kansas City. I'd had gotten to know her via online adoption groups. It gets even better....today they got some absolutely miraculous news that they will make it to court before closure. How cool it is to rejoice with this family and the JOY that is before them! Unbelievably excited :)

 

No news yet.....

So my last post (not that it was a secret to anyone who has any type of empathy whatsoever) was obviously written during a rough waiting patch. Can I get a collective sigh? Sorry all. I have had ups and downs with this adoption. But those few days in a row, by far took the cake.

By far.

I learned clearly that week, in the depths of the yuck, there isn't much anyone can say or do. No words can comfort the pain that others can't see.

The only thing that works? Prayer. Lots of prayer.

God answers prayers, but not always in the way we expect.

We didn't get our referral this week - however, God absolutely blew my socks off last Sunday. He showed me something so precious during worship at church (and then confirmed it with the message that Shawn preached) It was exactly the comfort that I needed and I left REJOICING!!

Awesomeness.

Jason called our program director this week to get more of a scoop. What we found out was encouraging. They have not forgotten us! Apparently they are waiting on regional MOWA letters for a few kiddos at the orphanage we must go through. Since we are "first in line" there, whichever child gets their letter first (within our parameters) will be our referral. That regional MOWA letter means that when we accept our referral we will automatically be submitted to court.

There. Now everyone is caught up.....even though we technically still had no news :)

Please keep lifting our family up in prayer!

TGIF....

We are now five weeks into waiting for our new referral. Honestly? I. Am. Feeling. It.

Holding onto God's promises while fighting back my very human feelings. Such a struggle.

Prayer, please......lots of it.




Of course I can't help myself. What is a blog post of mine without a song? Since there is no awesome cute baby news to liven these posts up - I've got a crutch. Inserting amazing songs. Listen to it, you'll love it just like me!

Time management and Adoption

Tot Lot 2013 was full of awesomeness and exhaustion. Apparently time can truly fly - because I just experienced that first hand. I was able to serve with some wonderful people, learn a new position at camp, watch my own kiddos have a blast and know that the kids we worked with were impacted. What better way to spend a week?

I got back from camp almost a week ago.......believe me when I say that I came home and hit the ground running!

Daily swimming lessons began Monday for the youngest two Calder kids, swim team continued daily for the eldest, Joel's 5th birthday was Monday, Jake's 9th birthday was Tuesday, and Joel's friend birthday party took place on Wednesday night - throw into that mix working my "new job" at the church four hours each day on Monday & Wednesday as well - and you see why this is the first time I've sat down to blog since I left for camp almost 2 weeks ago :)

Whew.

I was SO grateful for Independence day for another reason this year. A break!

Although things have been crazy busy for me, I have been rejoicing in it! I had a lot of time on my hands over the course of this last year with only one kid left at home, who had preschool three mornings a week. A lot of time to read, sit, work on adoption stuff, hang with the kids.....which sounds great and WAS great, some of the time. However, our adoption process started almost a full year ago. Do you see the problem? Waiting for something AND I having lots of extra non-filled time? It's not pretty people. Time crawls by.

Literally....

C

R

A

W

L

S

So to say that I am grateful for the busyness right now is an understatement. I definitely don't want to stay as busy as this past week forever, and definitely won't, but for right now it is actually refreshing!

On the adoption front....

I really thought we'd have a new referral by now. It has almost been a month since we lost our 1st referral. Of course, I don't have much to go on with my expectation, except for the experiences of a few other people that I have connected with (via technology). Based on that, we seem to be waiting longer.....so this week I emailed our program director to ask if there was anything pending. His response took me by surprise. Not necessarily bad. Just surprising. I assumed when we were waiting for a new referral we would be placed at the "top of the list" for any new child that came along within our parameters (amongst the 5 or 6 orphanages our agency works with). That is not the case. We ARE at the "top of the list", BUT just at the particular orphanage that our first referral came from.  Apparently, once your dossier (our huge bunch of paperwork we sent off to Ethiopia back in January) is started with an orphanage that is where the next referral must come from.

WHHHHAAAAAATTTTTTT?

Freak out moment ensues.

Well, how big is that orphanage? How many referrals come from there? Just how long is our wait going to be for the next referral? The American in me wants answers. This is the information age. Give me answers! Size. Data of all past referrals. Something for me to analyze.......

Well we are dealing with Ethiopia. They are not in the information age.

Unfortunately, I had some internal ugly moments.

The internal ugliness lasted a few hours that night.

I am not proud that was my first response.

I wish I could be such a mature person that my first response is always trust. Within my first response, albeit ugly, there is always prayer. But not always trust. Stink.

But God yanked me out of that within hours. I have been clinging to Psalms 130 throughout this process. I'm not going to write it out in it's entirety for you once again, but a lot of it is about crying out to God and waiting.

Finding myself meditating on that chapter yet again, God pointed out something afresh and anew to me. vs.7 "O Isreal, (which I put in O, Cheryl), put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption."

That's when it hit me. When I get ugly disappointed? My focus, my sights, my hope have been skewed because the adoption has moved to the forefront and become my focus.

Adoption isn't the focus. My hope isn't in Adoption.

My hope is in the Lord. Full Redemption. Unfailing Love. That is the big picture. When I focus on that - it sure puts the adoption happenings in perspective and disappointment has a hard time hanging around.

I am REDEEMED.  And a God who loves me (loves you) enough to do that? Have a plan for our redemption even before we knew it.....even though we run from it.....even though we downplay it.......even while we were sinners in our sin. That is some love. "But God demonstrated his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

Awesomeness.

Although adoption is so important to us, it cannot become the main thing.

Please be praying for us - and especially for our daughter who we now know, based on the orphanage information, is somewhere in Northern Ethiopia.
Pray that we would rest in God's timing and with joy watch the remaining portion of the adoption process unfold.

Because I can't help myself......a song (since I missed Tuesday's tunes)

Scandal of Grace

Hillsong United 2013

Camp time!

This is an exciting week! My 3 kiddos and I are heading down to City Union Mission's Camp in the Ozarks. Camp CUMCITO for short.

What is it?

Pure awesomeness.

This camp is for underprivileged children from the Kansas City's urban core. Kids come to a week of camp - FOR FREE - and get to experience good food, the outdoors, swimming, crafts and tons of activities that they would normally not have exposure to. The week even ends with a banquet & carnival. Although there are different camp weeks for kids ages 4 to 16 - I have always worked at Tot Lot, which is geared for ages 4 to 6.

Camp is where God first started putting adoption on my heart.

When I first started volunteering at age 14, it was truly my first time out of my suburbia bubble. Oh, don't get me wrong. I had heard of people in need. I knew they existed, but other than driving downtown with our doors locked, there wasn't much exposure. (of course, I do understand that at as a girl at age 14, there is limited exposure to be had anyway.....) However, that first year I went to camp, put a face was to the need. Who knew kids were affected by need?

WOW - what impact that has on a teenager to see a need and have the opportunity to serve. Camp (and follow up, city-side) changed my life perspective as I knew it.

God used these experiences serving at camp, over the course of many summers, to soften my heart. To put an ache in my heart and leave space to love a child that is not my own, as my own.

Jason and I had talked about adoption on and off throughout the years. Honestly, we thought we wouldn't adopt until our children were older and our plans were to adopt out of foster care. Last summer we felt God prompting us that the time was now. Well, he prompted me. Jason wasn't sure that the time was really now. Obviously, I wasn't going to push him - we both needed to be in agreement, so I just prayed. Jason went to camp with us last summer, as a big brother at Tot Lot, and had four 4yr. old boys (one of them being our own Joel). God used camp once again. We came home after an exhausting week and were decompressing from the week and he told me......the time was now. Adoption was on the table. You see, Jason was not sure he could love another child as he loved our own. But after spending a week at camp (all day, everyday) with his 4yr. old campers - Jason knew that he could.

Amazing.

Our adoption road has taken some turns that we didn't expect, but God keeps pointing us to - Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." 

So want to know something else incredible?

Camp CUMCITO's theme this summer?

Adopted by the Father.

Seriously, thanks God. Now you're just making this fun :)


Below is a short Tot Lot video that I made, originally for camp training purposes, that you can view if you want to get a glimpse of the fun that is camp! Please be praying for us this week - for opportunities to share the gospel, for opportunities to show love and for safety!

Enjoy........

Processing....and Tuesday's Tunes

We are doing well - for all those who find themselves wondering.....

However, bear with me as I try to unravel the complex emotions of the past week.

It is amazing the change that one phone call can bring. Last Monday at 2:14pm, we thought we would be traveling to Ethiopia in a few weeks time to meet our baby girl and were awaiting the exact dates for travel. That same Monday at 2:15pm we were instantly back at the beginning of the referral process waiting to find out just who that daughter was.

Quite a change of direction in one minute.

Definitely a shock to the system.

It has now been over a week since we found out that we lost our referral. It was hard. Oh, the immeasurable disappointed feelings involved. But at the end of the day, even a tough day with tough news - we are so grateful to have a solid rock on which to stand. What a difference it makes. To know that we have a God who loves us so much so that he sent his only son to REDEEM us. That God loves us so much that He sent Jesus when we were still in drowning in our yuck. God is our strength. He is our song. He is our portion. He is enough.

Jason & I truly believe in Romans 8:28 - We know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

ALL things. Even the hard. Even the things that don't seem to swing our way. ALL things.

It is easy, as in any unexpected situation like this, to get caught up in the "why's" of it all. 

Why did it happen?

Why our family?

Why did we have to lose that time?

The amazing thing is that, by God's grace, and walking with Him through this time of processing emotions - the "why's" aren't a negative thing. I know that this side of heaven we won't have the full picture, but I can't help but wonder why we had baby H in our lives for that short time.....was it because she needed better care the foster home could provide in order to survive? Was it because the little gal intended for us (who we've yet to see) was not yet ready in some way? Was it because God knew we would be praying for Baby H during those 2 months for what was best for her - regardless of how it affected us? Was it because He knew we would pray for her birth mama's heart? Was it to imprint her on our family so that she would be a part of us forever - even though we'd never even met?

I can not wait to find out why.

We know that we can't see the big picture. Only God can, which is both awesome and scary (if you have a control thing that sometimes flares up - yes, I just raised my hand too). The thing is....knowing that there is a bigger picture, that we can't possibly see it all, is where trust comes into play. Because, you see, God has plans for us in which He promises things.....

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

In all honesty there are times where fears start to come in. Even this morning, I found myself starting to think & then overthink about when the new referral will come and wonder when stuff will start to happen again - you see, I'm back in the crazy waiting (no timeline) phase again.

But God met me right where I was at once again. Here are some amazing things that spoke right to my heart from my devotional this morning....about not anticipating God's plans, to just concentrate on keeping in step with Him. If you trust that His plans are to prosper you and not to harm you (Jer. 29:11), you can relax and enjoy the present moment.

Ummm. Yeah. Totally written just for me.

It gets better.

One of the verses referenced was Proverbs 16:9 "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."  Which is the exact verse that has been on my heart since the beginning of this process. From the beginning we have felt God's hand directing our steps. If you would have told me last year at this time that we would be adopting from Ethiopia, I literally might have laughed out loud. Why? Because I had already determined my course and Ethiopia was not in "my" plans. However, now I know that we are exactly where God wants us. So even though we have experienced this adoption sna-fu, we know that God is determining our steps. God already knows the gal that He  has intended for us. This in no way took him by surprise. There is no other verse that I could have been directed to this morning that would have had the same refreshing effect as that one.

God is amazing! He knows just what we need, right when we need it.

And,
here it is.
What you've been waiting for because it is the other half of the above subject title.
Tuesday's Tune.

 Already There

by Casting Crowns