Last week I was listening to a podcast from the church we used to go to in Columbia. It was about trials. It was ooooohhhhhh so good. Want a listen? click here , scroll down to the very bottom - "don't waste your trials."
In listening through some messages, one contained a prayer written by John Wesley.....
I am no longer my own, but yours.
Put me to what you will, rank me with whom you will;
put me to doing, put me to suffering;
let me be employed for you, or laid aside for you,
exalted for you, or brought low for you;
let me be full,
let me be empty,
let me have all things,
let me have nothing:
I freely and wholeheartedly yield all things
to your pleasure and disposal.
Wow. This is where He is bringing me.....I am learning things presently that I'd not learned any other way so far in my short lifetime, through trials comes surrender. Sweet surrender.
Here is a tune for your Tuesday. A favorite - enjoy!
Since we've been at this adoption process for quite a while now, we now find ourselves amidst all things needing to be renewed, updated and re-done. Did you know fingerprints expire? They.do. Months ago, knowing this day would be approaching, I was dreading the thought of all of this work. (especially if there was no visible sweet face to be working towards)
The dread was unfounded.
Even though our situation isn't what I thought it would be at this point in time. Even though we have no sweet face to lovingly look at as we proceed. Even though it seems silly to have to re-do some of these things. The underlying truth? I ENJOY paperwork. Odd, but I am so glad that is the case, especially considering the detours this journey has taken.
Such a thrill to have something to do. Something to work on until completion.
Ahh........I'm so glad that feeling is back again.
We are planning on making some changes to our home study this time around. One change is to our age parameters, they will now be set 0-6yrs. We are also going to be approved for 2 kids.
Why the change? More than likely our referral will be within our original parameters HOWEVER we want to be prepared, should an opportunity present itself with a child that is already waiting who is currently outside our age parameters (0-2) or has a sibling. If God tugs on our heart to move, the last thing we want to think about is going back to do more paperwork to change our homestudy to reflect the age(s) of that(those) child(ren). Since Ethiopia is experiencing some political stuff going on with adoptions (which is what the holdup is for the one piece of paper that so many children need signed which would allow them to be referred) - especially in the region that we are needing to adopt from - this will allow us a little more flexibility should we need it.
One thing we know is that God already knows how this is going to play out. This is in no way taking Him by surprise. He knows exactly which kiddo. He knows exactly what timing. He is orchestrating it all. I can't wait until I can look back and see it for myself - I truly believe God is giving my family (and our future adopted child too) one heck of a testimony.
In case you are worried.....you haven't missed anything.
In the month between blog posts, nothing has changed.
Well, nothing with the adoption process has changed, but this mama is not the same. I struggled my way through last month. Like, I REALLY struggled. I had a 4 day stretch where I was a pretty much non-functioning, teary-eyed mess. It is safe to say that I have never experienced brokenness like that before.
You know that *glimmer* of hope I spoke of early in January? News like that is a double edged sword with adoption. It's exciting....but then you start living moment to moment waiting for news. Then lots of moments pass with no news. Which leads to feelings of disappointment each of these moments. For weeks on end. That is a lot of disappointing moments people. Absolutely no change. After all these months. Still the same. It is emotionally exhausting.
THEN I had a 2 week stretch where I was just insanely LIVID at the craziness that is our situation. Feeling as though we had been passed over. Knowing how ridiculous this is that we are waiting for a child that needs a family, when there are millions of children waiting for families. Re-evaluating everything we've been told and lining it up against what we've experienced.
Stinks to be mad, but through it discovered I would much rather be mad then sad. Being angry didn't accomplish anything, but it catpulted me onward to a better place.
Acceptance.
I am a bit of a slow learner, I know, but did you realize I can do nothing to impact the speed of this process? Seriously. I just recently realized this. I'm not a total moron - I understood it on some level, but still I was trying to have control. Guessing timelines. Researching. Following other people's stories (still not sure how that one would help, but I couldn't help myself)
Control also presented itself by putting much of our lives on hold waiting for this
process to move forward. Vacations days saved, hesitating to make
commitments because we don't know what will be
happening X number of months from now, projecting what "might" happen.
Not a bad thing normally, but since the process has
stalled significantly it has become a problem. I stopped living. Only looking forward. Can we say not healthy?
Not that this statement matters to anyone else......but, I'm done. It is what it is. I am going to go on living, when it happens, it happens. I am done scouring the internet for any piece of Ethiopian adoption news I can find. I am done with guessing when things will start moving again (because it is apparent that things just aren't moving)
So ironic that this is how Jason has lived this whole process. Falalalala. Putting the adoption in a whole other box than real life. Which explains why he has been more emotionally stable than me this last 20 months (although he would argue more like the whole 18 yrs. we've been together :) )
Even though this adoption process is FAR from over, I find myself grateful for the growth that has been inevitably taking place because of this. It is with a holy fear that I admit this.....knowing it is not over :) Oh, how God is growing my faith. I admit, it has been incredibly painful. So painful at times that in the depths of the brokenness - it felt as though I was hanging onto my faith by a fingernail. A fingernail. In the depths I KNEW God says He is good, but it sure didn't FEEL like it. I KNEW God says He loves me, but I FELT forgotten. I KNEW God is sovereign over all and has a plan in all of this, but it sure FELT pointless and out of control. I hung on because I KNEW the truth of God's word.
God has been showing me first hand how to have compassion for the broken - by going through brokenness myself. God has been showing me first hand not to go by feelings - but to go by the truth of His word. God has been showing me first hand what walking by faith and not by sight looks like. I can't see the end of this adoption story, but I can stand on the fact that I know God is good. He is faithful. He works all things for our good (even the yucky timelines). He gives a peace that surpasses understanding. He is near the brokenhearted.
Wowza. That is the God I serve.
What blog post is a blog post without a song? It is a new one which quickly has become a personal favorite.......enjoy!
I know exactly what I was doing. Each hour. The whole day.
It was on that day, January 14th, 2013, we were finished with our dossier. Completely done. Signed, sealed and ready to be delivered. This coming Tuesday marks one year since the sendoff. It also happens to be my sister's birthday, which makes this date much easier to remember ;)Happy Birthday Alison!
For those reading this blog late in the game, a dossier is the big bundle of paperwork that goes to the country in which you are wanting to adopt from. Each country has different requirements. Want a refresher on what our Ethiopian dossier contained? Check out this post. After gathering all that paperwork, EACH document must be notarized and EACH document must be certified by the state in which it originated from by the Secretary of State's office. Their job is basically to double check and certify the notary....to make sure you have someone legit witnessing the signing of your papers. So have a problem with your notary on a document? Must.redo.document.
As everyone knows, I love a fast timeline. Our dossier was completed, with the exception of the last form - the I-171h (approval from immigration to adopt), by the end of December 2012. So while awaiting that one form, I took all the other 26(ish) dossier docs in on CHRISTMAS EVE to get state certified so that the instant the final form came, I'd have just one quick thing left to do before racing to UPS to make copies and overnight the documents to the agency.
Our last document finally came in the mail on Friday afternoon, Jan. 11th around 4pm. Friday afternoon. Late afternoon. As in, the secretary of state's office is only open until 5pm and we live at least 25 min. from that location on a no traffic time of day. In my mind I immediately start working through the timeline.....that leaves me 1 hour to pack the kids in the car, drive down Jason's work to get the form notarized, leave the kids with him and then drive downtown K.C., park the car (which parking is NOT a quick thing downtown) and then race up to the 3rd floor to get it certified.......I came SO close to doing just that. So close, that adrenaline was already starting to course through my body to get this task accomplished. However, you all will be pleased to know, the more mellow w/ age Cheryl kicked in. I *gasp* decided to wait until Monday.
Hard to believe, I know.
When Monday (the 14th) came, after dropping the older kiddos off at school and then dropping Joel off at 9:15am for preschool, I raced to the Secretary of State office. Literally raced. Of course that particular day Joel's preschool had a field trip....so I had limited time before I needed to be back to transport Joel to said fun event. I brought in my ONE document and figured I'd be in and out of there quick. However, because of recent elections......and a new secretary of state being sworn in ON THAT DAY, they had to use new paper with the newly elected persons name upon it. They hadn't gotten it yet. Ugh. So I left my document with them, figuring I would return with Joel after the fieldtrip. Another trip downtown. Stinks, but worth it. Fieldtrip ends, we head back downtown excitedly to get our last document. When we walk into the office, the lady who I'd been working with (because remember I'm memorable - I was most likely the only person in that office on Christmas Eve :), said "Oh, no! You must not have gotten my message. There was a problem with your notary. The form needs to be re-done." WHAT??? Oh man. That meant I was going to have to run back to the house for another copy, meet up with Jason so we can both sign it in front of a different notary, then go BACK downtown to get it certified, plus juggle the kids that are now getting out of school. Super disappointing.
Deep cleansing breath.
Gather myself.
Here we go.....
Got forms re-notarized. Picked up kids from school. It is now 4pm. I race to Jason's work to drop the kiddos off with him before heading downtown. I hit traffic on the way, but finally make it up to the Secretary of State office for the 3rd time in one day about 4:35pm.....mind you, they close at 5pm. Beverly, because now we are on a first name basis, told me when I arrived that 2 people were in line ahead of me and most likely she wouldn't have a chance to fit me in before closing for the evening. She offered to let me leave the document and come back for it the next day. Oh my goodness. So I sucked it up like a big girl, left the document, and walked out to the elevators. As I am waiting there, holding back tears, I decided no. I'm not leaving. In the off chance she could actually get to me, it would be worth staying the extra 25 minutes. I walked back in and told Beverly. She warned me not to get my hopes up, because it's not a instantaneous process. Even if she got to me, she then has to send off the information via email for approval (which then requires someone to be there AND respond - can take up to 1/2 hour at times to get approval). So I made note, but sat there anyway. She was able to get to my document around 4:47(ish) and at 4:58pm I heard her shouting from the back in disbelief that it came in! She & I were both shocked - and were celebrating together!!!!!
I then headed straight to our UPS store to make duplicate copies that last form and approval, then overnight-ed the package to our agency (because in this instance hand delivering to Portland, OR wouldn't be faster and definitely not cheaper).
And there you have it folks. That is how the wait began.
Full of adrenaline.
Full of pushing.
Full speed ahead.
(kinda sounds like labor, right?)
I have to admit, this is not the happiest of ways to celebrate an anniversary. One year gone by. Still at the start.
Entering the adoption process I was full of excitement about watching things unfold. Sure, in all my research (a.k.a. blog reading & data digging) I did see some other families who seemed to hit every snag out there, but of course we wouldn't be one of those families. We would fly right through. Why wouldn't we? Sure, I was a little conservative in my predictive estimates.....I wasn't putting my bets on the fastest timeline out there, but average (for once) would be good in this case. Anything faster would be a blessing. Then things started moving fast for us and let me tell you, at that point, I definitely did not expect the bumps we've experienced.
Even though this has been an unbelievable experience already in stretching my faith - as this one year anniversary date has been inching closer these last couple of months, it has been hard not to feel discouraged. You see.....I KNOW God has something going on. I KNOW that He has a different story going on with all of us, so comparison is unfair and a stealer of joy. I KNOW that He is faithful and will finish what He started. But as days turn into weeks, which turn into months, which now are surpassing a year - even with the hope of paperwork finally moving forward - I am road weary.
I need what only God can give. Grace. Strength. Endurance.
This past Friday night, Jason and I went to a different church to check out a Friday night service. No worries, Journey folks, we were just checking out their connections team. Honestly, I had no idea what to expect from the service. But all day I was praying, God give me a word. A word from you. A word of encouragement. Something. I need to be refreshed.
God gave me what I so desperately needed. I left filled. Encouraged. Praising.
We attended to check out connections and was ministered to in the process. So amazing.
One song that night, I hadn't heard before - Victor's Crown - is so worth sharing......such a reminder. The fight is won. The victor crowned. He has overcome. This same victor fights for us, intercedes for us, defends us, can never be defeated, loves us, helps us, saves us and is our hope.
Jesus. Sweet Jesus. How I need you.
Written by: Darlene Zschech, Israel Houghton, Kari Jobe
You are always fighting for us
Heaven's angels all around
My delight is found in knowing
That You wear the Victor's crown
You're my help and my defender
You're my Saviour and my friend
By Your grace I live and breathe
To worship You
At the mention of Your greatness
In Your Name I will bow down
In Your presence fear is silent
For You wear the Victor's crown
Let Your glory fill this temple
Let Your power overflow
By Your grace I live and breathe
To worship You
Hallelujah
You have overcome
You have overcome
Hallelujah
Jesus You have overcome the world
You are ever interceding
As the lost become the found
You can never be defeated
For You wear the Victor's crown
You are Jesus the Messiah
You're the Hope of all the world
By Your grace I live and breathe
To worship You
Every high thing must come down
Every stronghold shall be broken
You wear the Victor's crown
You overcome
You overcome
At the cross the work was finished
You were buried in the ground
But the grave could not contain You
For You wear the Victor's crown
For those of you that don't know me well, let me be the first to tell you that I can be intense. I am competitive, driven and goal oriented individual. You tell me it can't be done? I will figure out a way to make it happen. Tell me what the best is? Well, there you have it. I now have a laser focused goal.
I have called it driven. Others have called it ridiculous ;)
Unfortunately it has followed me around my whole life, though I am getting a bit mellow with age.
Here is a quick peek:
Perfect attendance ALL four years of High School
Music.....oh, man. Let me tell you as a flutist, chair position matters. Embarrassingly so.
Sports.....the one area this aspect of my personality was an asset.
Board games....I am positive I've left some offended people in my wake.
Nursing my kiddos....crazy, right? Must.get.past.one.year.despite.the.mental.cost.of.having.3.kids.in.4.yrs.with.no.bottles.aarrrggghh.
Any task at hand.....must complete with efficiency and sense of urgency.
Height.....yes, height. I have a complex (because what woman doesn't want to be the tallest in the room?) Of course, I don't realize this until one of my other tall friends busts out a pair of heels and then we are eye to eye (Niki). Yes, I am seriously ridiculous.
I am sure some of this stemmed from being the youngest child of closely spaced siblings.
As I'm sure you can guess - this drive followed me into the adoption process.
I was the master of paperwork.
The M.A.S.T.E.R. Most people dislike all the paperwork associated with adoption. Not me. I loved it. There it was in front of me. A goal and a chance to be efficient. Is there anything better in life than those two things combined? I think not.
After meeting our social worker in the very beginning of September 2012 and getting the loads of paperwork we needed to get started, she mentioned that it typically takes families 2 to 4 weeks to complete. This paperwork included doctor's reports for us & all of our
kids, 5 page personality profiles on the kids, reports from each child's
teacher, financial reports, letters from employers, autobiographical questions for each of us (ended up being 3 or 4 typed pages each), references from family and friend, and TONS of other
information that I can no longer remember.......She gave it to us on a Thursday. We (who am I kidding? I) had it done in a mere 4 days and hand delivered (because who wants to take a whole extra day to use the mail, right?) to our social worker on Monday the very next week. Oh yeah baby - of course I almost crippled my hand in the
process......but, you know.
Intense.
Next came the activity of the I-600a approval and actual dossier completion. In this phase, timelines can still be controlled by an efficient and effective pusher. I took EVERY opportunity to speed things along. Including walking into the USCIS immigration office to be fingerprinted 1 1/2 weeks before our scheduled appointment on the small chance that they would take us as a walk in. Jason and I waited 3 hours to be fit in. 3 hours. That man loves me. A lot :) (as does his mama who was watching the kids for us!) It was a crazy long time to wait, but it felt worth it, as it saved us a 1 1/2 weeks on our timeline.
I look at that now and laugh.
Like out loud.
A seriously painful L.O.L.
We saved ourselves a week and a half, and now we've been waiting for almost a full year.
The irony.
Oh, the wait. How I've loathed you. How I've learned from you. How I've even loved you at times.
It is no lie that this waiting business is rough on everybody. But with my personality? Oh my. I can't be efficient, rush or control things. However, as you probably can guess, I'm not one to be an inactive waiter. When I am all in at something, I am all in. I will research, read, dig and drag out every bit of information that I can. I must be prepared (even though girl scouting is not on my resume) so in the first 6 to 9 months of the waiting I exhausted our local library on adoption related books. Amazon.com was my friend.
Here is just a sampling of the digging......
-The Complete Book of International Adoption - by Dawn Davenport
-Thriving as an Adoptive Family - by David and Renee Sanford
-The Adoption Decision - by Laura Christianson
-Called to Adoption - by Mardee Caldwell
-Successful Adoption: A guide for Christian Families - by Natalie Gillespie
-Adopted for Life - by Russell Moore
-The Connected Child - by Karen Purvis
-Adoption: Choosing it, Living it, Loving it - by Dr. Ray Guarend
-Transracial adoptees, in their own voices
-Toddler Adoption - by Mary Hopkins -Best
-Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child - by Patty Cogen
-Everything Parent's Guide to Raising your Adopted Child
-Baby, We Were Meant for Each Other - by Simon Scott
-No Biking in the House w/out a Helmet - by Melissa Faye Green
Believe me, there were many many more......
But then as I exhausted all reading materials AND as the wait started surpassing what I ever thought possible, these last few months things have felt pretty bleak. There has been absolutely no movement to speak of, and our wait is dragging out so much longer than I ever thought possible.
However, this week, out of the dreariness came a *glimmer* of good news to this wait weary mama.
After months of seeing no movement at all, it appears that things are starting to move just a bit. That one paper (that I've mentioned previously in other blog posts) so many kids are waiting on, so that those children can be referred out to families? They are starting to be signed in some regions. One of the regions that apparently has started to sign letters again is THE REGION that we must adopt from. When I read the news this week, I nearly fell off the chair I was in.
This doesn't mean that our wait will end soon, but it brings Hope.
Hope that things will start to move for us soon.
Hope that this wait will end.
Hope. We don't have a referral, but we have Hope.
Proverbs 13:12 "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but desire fulfilled is the tree of life."
This past week leading up to Christmas has been incredibly hard, with me bordering on being an absolute mess. Okay, fine. Who am I kidding? Ask Jason. I was a mess.
We are now at almost a year since sending in our dossier and lost our first referral many, many months ago. Unfortunately, the only adoption news that we seem to continually receive is that things will take longer. No timeline-type longer (which equates to "not anytime soon"). Throughout this past year we have watched families, who were with us during our first referral timeline, move on - as in their children have been home now for months, moved on. We have watched countless families who were behind us in the adoption process pass, and are now leaps and bounds ahead (oh comparison how you are despised!). Yet, here we sit. At the exact same spot as last year at this time - still at the starting line. Then to add insult to injury - my baby (or toddler, or pre-schooler) is on the other side of the world. Without a family. At Christmas. Stuck. Ugh.
Stuck. The most un-fun of words.
These aforementioned facts have been working overtime to draw my focus lately.
This situation feels ridiculous. It feels out of control. It feels totally unfair. Lately it has even felt hopeless, as though nothing will ever happen.
Things FEEL. These feelings? Honestly, they suck (sorry mom) and they are in my face constantly.
My struggle (especially this week) is putting them in their correct place - they are Feelings. Feelings change. Feelings lie. Feelings don't always line up with TRUTH.
Oh the tears that came this week as I wrestle with continually handing this situation over to God. Especially as of late, now that it FEELS like we are way overdue for some action. However, in the depths of my angst this week - I ran across a blog post by Jen Hatmaker that was written in 2011. Once again, so timely, as it spoke directly to what I was feeling in my sad sack situation......and spoke into it hope and truth. (you can click on the above link if you'd like to read her whole post)
"God doesn't promise us a clean middle part of the story. He never said
we wouldn't encounter antagonists and drama and surprise twists and
heartbreak. We weren't assured a G-rated plot where good feelings are
peddled and no one dies or leaves or fails or waits. God promised things
like healing and restoration and redemption. Which implies there will
be injuries and broken relationships and losses. When he speaks of
beauty from ashes, he seems to know there will be actual ashes to
resurrect beauty from.
If you are confused right now, if your
story isn't going the way you thought, or if you're tangled up in the
messy middle where hope is deferred, dear reader, it could just be that
God isn't done yet. Your story is not finished. Every hero and heroine
must wade through the conflict to get to the end, and you can trust God
because he is good. If you have nothing else to cling to, remember this:
God is good. He loves goodness and justice. He heals and redeems. He is
on the side of love and beauty. He is for you. He is never against you.
You may be against you, other people may be against you, but God is not against you.
It
is okay to be confused; I'm afraid that is our lot as finite creatures
dealing with an infinite God. Some of God's best heros were confused in
their subplots. But I can see a light that is coming for the heart that
holds on. Because God is good and he is for goodness.
And he just isn't done yet."
That there in the 2nd paragraph? That is me. I feel tangled up in that messy middle where hope is deferred. This week as emotions and feelings were battling to take my focus - this was is exactly what my waiting mama heart needed to hear. God has got this. He isn't done yet. You see I KNOW this truth but my FEELINGS don't always line up 100% of the time. I share this not because I want the whole world (or at least the tens of people that read this) to know how much I am struggling to fight feelings, but because maybe you find yourself in a similar situation. A difficult life situation. One that is tiptoeing around hopelessness. One like mine, when you just can't figure out what the heck is going on. The why's of it all. When there is nothing else to hold onto, remember - God is good.
Updates are hard to write while entrenched in the wait, as it doesn't make for exciting blog posts to just write more of the same, but because I feel obliged to let you know......Nothing has really changed. Although we occasionally will received a tidbit of info that gets us excited, here we sit. Solidly still waiting. Although totally confident that God will finish what He started.
I must admit that I never expected that this bump in the road of adoption could last so long. All we are waiting on is ONE piece of paperwork. Unfortunately, that piece of paper needed is out of our control. It is on the Ethiopia side of things, which means that there is no timeline to when our wait might end at this point. This problem is not just affecting us, is affecting a lot of people. A lot of people are waiting on this one thing. Which that means that a lot of children and families are stuck. Not a fun place to be. Kids that need homes. Families, like ours, wanting to provide those homes. All unable to happen because of paperwork.
Would you join us in prayer? Specifically for a supernatural breakthrough to take place on the Ethiopian side of adoptions, paperwork to start moving, the protection & health of these kiddos that are waiting and families like ours that have someone missing this holiday season. I cannot express in words how much we appreciate you lifting up our family and these children in need.
Since it happens to be a Tuesday, I can't leave you without a song. 'Tis the season, so you get to hear my favorite Christmas Song.....
Miracle of Christmas
BONUS: Another favorite. It will be tear inducing, I will warn you now. Steven Curtis Chapman is an adoption supporter and an adoptive dad himself. He and his wife started Show Hope which does many things, but one of which is an orphan care ministry. They also award grants to help adoptive families with adoption expenses. Last Spring we were blessed to received a grant from Show Hope!
